As a therapist I know all too well that most of us don’t get taught fundamental listening skills. Let’s face it – listening is actually much harder than it looks… especially when you’re doing it well. We’re often modeled what it means to “hear” someone but not necessarily listen. To listen means to practice active listening. It means to actively engage, take in information and then respond. More often than not we only hear what we need in order to react and not thoughtfully respond – creating space for a lot of hurt feelings and misunderstandings.

As we head into this (potential) new era of listening to the voices of Black people as we explore racism, I was recently reminded of the skills I was first exposed to in my Peer Counseling course in high school (and yes, I was that guy in high school).

Developed by Gerald Egan, active listening can be best remembered by the SOLER strategy. This strategy is often also taught in graduate level counseling programs as an introduction to counseling skills – so you know it’s legit. If you’re goal is to actively listen, the following tips will carry you a long way:

S – Sit squarely

This is all about the nonverbal communication that you are listening. When we face someone squarely, we send the message that we’re actually paying attention. We can’t be our best at listening if our backs are turned to someone. Sitting square to your conversation partner is a great place to start. Depending on the space, sitting at a slight angle may also be helpful, and less intimidating.

O – Open posture

This is a great nonverbal communication strategy. You know how someone’s really upset with you and just waiting for their chance to rip you a new one? Usually their arms are crossed (in a closed position)! If you’re intent on listening actively sit with a relaxed and open posture. Crossing your arms or legs may unintentionally communicate that you’re “closed off” and not actually digesting the information being presented.

L – Lean in

Don’t get too carried away on this one. As you sit squarely, make it a point to slightly lean in (as opposed to leaning away which signifies backing/opting out). A little goes a long way here in communicating that you’re interested and invested in the conversation.

E – Eye contact

This one can also be tricky, especially if you’re not of the same culture. Eye contact has a lot of different meanings for different people and different cultures. But, generally speaking, it’s so important to make eye contact when you’re listening. Just make sure to not stare! If you do find yourself nervous and fixated on the other person’s eyes, make it a point to look away every few seconds (think slightly above their head or off to the side) as staring can be seen as threatening or very uncomfortable.

R – Relaxed posture

Similar to the open posture strategy, you don’t want to come off as too tense or rigid. That may make the other person think that you’re too uncomfortable with what they’re saying and not actually listening. On the other hand, don’t completely sprawl out as that might communicate that you’re not really paying attention or invested. Find a nice, natural, happy medium.

These are some very basic tips for those who want to move forward in being better active listeners. At the end of the day, being the most natural version of you (while keeping these foundations in mind) will communicate your earnest investment in the topic at hand.

While many of us will be putting these skills to good use in talking about police brutality and racism, these skills can be used for any conversation. And as the old saying goes, “practice makes perfect,” so the more you put these skills to good use the more present you’ll be in even really difficult conversations moving forward.

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Old Roles Haven’t Changed

Have you ever experienced being a home for an extended period of time (during corona or otherwise) only to find yourself feeling like you’re 16 years old again? A lot of people have and there’s a good reason for that!

Even if many years have passed since you’ve lived at home with your parents, the dynamics of the relationship may not have changed so much. You may have moved into your own place in another city, but what it is it that brings you back so quickly (and often painfully) to being an angsty teenager when you’re at home? Maybe the roles haven’t actually changed that much.

Have you grown into your own, more mature person? Sure! However, when we go back to the places where we grew up we tend to slide back into old patterns and dynamics subconsciously. This is because the pull of those memories during your formative years are very strong. And, if you’re staying with your parents (or other caretakers) you likely fall back into old patterns of being that remind of your earlier years. You may confine yourself to your bedroom or pop in headphones when walking around the house just like you did when you were younger and starting to carve out your own sense of independence. There’s no harm in that.

The irony is that your parents might also be subconsciously motivated to act in ways similar to when you were younger too! They may unintentionally try to monitor your schedule, eating habits, etc. and that can be frustrating. That dynamic can be hard to see, and escape, so it’s important to keep a watchful eye on your own thoughts and feelings when you’re back home. They might reveal some core issues that still impact your relationship with your parents today.

Familiar Territory Also Means Triggers…Triggers Galore!

Being back home also means being faced with triggering people, events and situations. This will likely bring up challenging emotions that you had to deal with in your younger years. As teenagers many of us dealt with feeling misunderstood and unheard. As we grow up we learn the skills necessary to ask for our needs to be met, but this is much harder to do with your parents.

This, unfortunately, means that you’re likely experiencing some of the same feelings that you felt when you were younger and it might cause you to act in ways like you haven’t in years (maybe even decades!). This is likely because you’re automatically responding to triggers in your environment that aren’t a part of the life (or less so) than you’ve created for yourself as an adult. This might look like family comments about how dissatisfied they are with your weight or your love life. Maybe you’ve told friends and other contacts how to better engage with you, but haven’t quiet taken the leap to set up some boundaries with your parents. It’s hard and scary work. Doing so changes the dynamics and roles which can be very disconcerting for both you and you parents. After all, most people don’t like change. It stands to reason that changing the most influential relationships in your life might cause quite a disruption.

Considerations for the Path Forward

Being able to make the unconscious conscious is one of the strengths of therapy and is likely your best tool in managing your feeling and actions as you’re adjusting to life with your parents again. Try to be mindful and aware of the ways in which you might be behaving that seem out of character for you now. Are you more irritable than normal? What about more isolated to yourself? These might be signs that you’re temporarily regressing.

The good news is that you’ll likely adjust back to your normal self when you’re able to get back to your own home and your everyday lifestyle. However, as we prepare for the longterm repercussions of the pandemic, many more folks are staying at home for longer periods of time. This is opportunity to practice greater self-reflection. And, if you feel so inspired, to do your best to change some unfulfilling dynamics with your parents. Odds are, being able to speak your truth will leave you feeling more confident and in control of the life you want to lead.

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One of the biggest question marks is how to stay connected to our loved ones.

You can’t open any social media app without being bombarded by all kinds of virtual meet ups. Exercise classes, happy hours, game nights – the list goes on and on. Jor-El and I participated in a virtual pizza party and it was almost as good as the real thing. One of the small silver linings of this whole mess is that it’s happening during a time when we have the technology to continue to keep up with the people in our lives. We aren’t just sending snail mail letters back and forth to each other and waiting days (or weeks) for a response. Although that sounds fun too! I like getting mail.

Anyway, the point is that you don’t have to disconnect from people just because you aren’t seeing them in person. Don’t get me wrong, it is absolutely not the same. But we’re finding out that it might be a while before things start to “go back to normal”. We’ve already been doing this for over six weeks! That’s a really long time to not make some type of connection with the people most important to you.

So if you haven’t yet, try to embrace it. Pick up the phone and actually call someone. I know, that was a hard adjustment for me too. Schedule a virtual happy hour even if it feels weird. This is a hard time for so many (all?) of us. We need our people.

But, on the other hand…

You also need to respect your boundaries and those of others. Virtual meet ups are great (what we even DO without Zoom?!), but they also take a lot more emotional and mental energy than going to catch a movie with someone. When you grab dinner with a friend, there are conversation starters all around you. You can talk about the menu, the waitstaff, or the people at the table next to you having a super awkward first date. You both probably have more going on in your life than you do right now. It also doesn’t revolve around a highly contagious virus in normal times, so it’s inevitably a more pleasant conversation. You might be burnt out on COVID talk by the time you’re scheduled for your call, and what else are we even talking about these days?

Connecting can take a lot more out of you these days than it used to.

It’s okay if you can’t do it all the time. You don’t want to all of a sudden notice you haven’t looked at or spoken to another human being in over a week, but you also don’t need to burn yourself out. Maybe your limit is one a week or smaller, one on one time rather than a massive group chat. You might be someone who’s totally down for game night, but staring at your computer screen while you drink wine in your sweats isn’t your jam. That’s all okay.

The ways in which we connect during all of this might also bring up some difficult feelings as well.

Remember when I mentioned that virtual pizza party? Yeah, it was great and it made me happy to “hang out” with my favorite people. Also, pizza is always a good idea. But it also made me really miss when we could sit at the same table and share a bottle of wine or an appetizer with our pizza. It brought up feelings of anger and frustration that we don’t know if we’re anywhere close to getting to do that again. Emotions are complicated! Acknowledge what you’re feeling and adjust accordingly to take care of yourself.

Open, honest, and compassionate conversation with your loved ones is key.

Share with your friends and family how you’re feeling and what you need to both stay connected and respect your own space. See what compromises might work for everyone to feel like they matter and they’re loved. Maybe you’re only doing a phone call once a week, but you’re sending more memes back and forth. There are so many ways to stay connected these days (thanks, Internet!) so do some trial and error and see what works for you.

There’s definitely no right or wrong here. We’re all just trying to figure it out life on this awful COVID-19 planet as we go until we’re allowed to escape and return to Earth.

But in the meantime, love each other – however you can. The phrase “it takes a village” seems really relevant these days.

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Accept the Current Reality

What we’re facing right now is stressful and anxiety-producing on many levels. The disruption to our daily lives is unprecedented for most of us. It can wreak havoc on our mental health.

As difficult as it is to accept, that’s precisely the first step in adjusting to this new state of affairs. Just think about it…if you can’t accept your current reality how can you effectively manage yourself, and your relationship, effectively?

This idea of acceptance of the new normal is something that Rachel and I discussed in an episode of the Viva Wellness podcast.

Treat Each Other with Kindness

If you don’t have the luxury of getting alone time at work (at a different location) these days then the reality is that you’re much more likely to step on your partner’s toes and vice versa. It’s normal to get irritated with each other more easily during times of containment, quarantine or whatever you want to call it.

That means that you’re likely going to be more aggravated and annoyed now with your partner than you normally would. You have less contact with other people to bounce ideas off of and now you’re likely spending a lot more concentrated time together than normal. It’s a good idea to keep in mind that you’re both trying to do your best to adjust to very difficult circumstances. All you can do is both try your best to give each other the benefit of the doubt, take a step back, and treat each other with some extra kindness.

But Also Find Space When You Can!

That being said, if you do have the option to take some space from one another then that’s a great idea! If you don’t feel the need to, then no problem. Just try to listen to yourself closely and be honest about what your own needs are. There’s no harm in taking a little bit of time to yourself.

Practically, that might be very difficult especially if you are in actual quarantine or self-isolation. If your inside space is limited you can think about getting outside of your immediate space such as going into a different room (hopefully with a door that closes!) or outside altogether if you can manage it.

If you can’t get outside then try to envelop yourself into a psychological cocoon. Grab a good book and/or pop in some headphones with soothing music to help you mentally escape to a different world. During these times every little bit helps.

Check in With One Another

Now is as good a time as any to actually pause and reconnect with one another (if you’re not completely sick of the sight of each other altogether). As a therapist, I often hear that one thing that makes relationships difficult is finding time to actually reconnect and maintain the kind of intimacy that was created in the early stages of the relationship. This is a challenge for a lot of couples. Many people have competing responsibilities and duties that amount to less and less time devoted to the relationship.

Now that you have more concentrated time together, it could be helpful to spend some time just reconnecting. It might help you get back to the reasons that you chose to share your life with this person. Play games together, start reading a book together, have more sex, etc. And if you’re looking to do an in-depth relationship assessment this quiz will help provide a good starting point to reflect and open the doors for more communication.

The post How to Maintain Your Relationship During Coronavirus appeared first on .

I remember feeling like an adult who was definitely ALL GROWN UP but didn’t nearly have enough responsibility to feel weighed down. No one to answer to but myself. Some decisions were made that maybe weren’t the most sound (but they sure were fun!).

The best part was the people that I had surrounding me as I figured out how to actually be a grown person in a world where I could do (mostly) anything I wanted.

I loved my twenties friends. I loved them so much that some of them are now my thirties friends.

It makes me feel all the warm fuzzies that I have people who have known me for my entire adulthood. They’re my people. One of them even became my business partner. As much as I love them, I’d be lying if I said the relationships look the same as they did when I was 25. It would be impossible for them to do so, because I don’t look the same as I did when I was 25 (because I look BETTER! No, just kidding. I definitely mean in a much more holistic, less vain sense. But obviously I look better).

My life is completely different than it was ten years ago.

I still live in New York City, and I think that’s about the only thing of my day to day life that isn’t different. My priorities and what makes me feel happy and fulfilled have shifted. Not only can I no longer hang on late nights out, but I don’t want to. I’d rather get up and run six miles to train for a race. Sometimes I have work to do and would rather not be a total brainless zombie when I’m doing it. The night before doesn’t feel worth it if I’m feeling like crap the entire next day anymore. If you’re in your thirties or forties, maybe you’re nodding along. It’s just normal that things change as you get older.

And as a result, it makes sense that your relationships change.

When I don’t see friends as often as I used to, sometimes it really is because I have a lot to do and not a lot of time to do it in. If someone could get on that whole making the day longer thing, that’d be cool. But until then, there’s just so much you can cram into a 24 hour period. There are other times, though, when I don’t want to go out. I’d rather be at home with my book. I need to decompress because of all of those other things I’m doing all day long. Book reading and Frasier binge watching is a solo activity, at least for me. So do I technically have the time? Yeah, but if I spent that time out in the world wearing pants I wouldn’t enjoy myself. If I’m not enjoying myself, what’s the point?

It’s okay if things are different.

I know I have to remind myself of that sometimes, because we live in a world that is trying to get us to do everything all the time, but it really is okay. People change. Life changes you. The best relationships are those that can evolve with you, rather than keep you stuck. Friendships now look more like quality time less often (with a little less vodka) and that works for me.

I won’t lie and say that change hasn’t caused some relationships to fall apart. It happens, and it’s sad when it does. It definitely hurt, but what would have hurt more (and for longer) would have been holding on to people who are trying to put me into a box I no longer fit into. Given my limited amount of time, I’d much rather spend my energy on people who love and support me for who I am now.

If you’re finding yourself struggling to make relationships into what they “used to be”, let that go.

Ask yourself what would really serve you now. Who makes you feel really good after you spend time with them? Who supports you in other ways than doing fun activities together? Are there people you feel more comfortable reaching out to than others? Focus on those people in the best way you can given whatever else you have going on in your life.

As much as there were parts of being in my twenties that were amazing, I wouldn’t go back even if I could. I’m where I am now because it’s where I’m supposed to be. I hope you are too!

Surround yourself with people who fit who you are now, not who you used to be. Hold on to those people who can evolve with you. They’re the best.

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The signs are:

• Contempt
• Criticism
• Defensiveness
• Stonewalling

Let’s break this down and where this concept of the four horsemen comes from.

The concept of the Four Horsemen is rooted in the New Testament of the Bible. Essentially, the idea is that Four Horsemen signify the “end of the world”. Now, you don’t need to buy into the (Christian) religion to get behind this relationship principle at all, but the point is to communicate where the symbolism came from.

That being said, this means that these signs (contempt, criticism, defensiveness and stonewalling) often forecast the end of a relationship. This research conducted by the Gottman Institute found that these traits are common in relationships that have ended (or are nearing their end). If you are wondering how serious your relationship troubles may be, then it may be worth it to consider how prevalent these dynamics are in your relationship.

Criticism

We have all been subject to criticism in our lives. When we talk about criticism in this context we’re not talking about how your supervisor might correct an error you made at work. Criticism becomes a red flag in a relationship when there is a ongoing, pervasive need for your partner to belittle or shame you for some perceived wrongdoing. It’s an attack on your person and not just your behavior.

Here’s an example:

Standard complaint: “I’m upset you didn’t wake me up before you left the house this morning. I thought we agreed for you to do that as I have trouble hearing the alarm clock.”

Criticism: “You just don’t ever listen to me and keep up your end of the bargain. You’re so self-centered!”

Contempt

Contempt takes negativity to another level. Contempt has often been described as a sort of seething hatred towards another person. It’s often the cumulative effect of disappointment and unchecked criticism over time.

Here’s an example:

“You really think you have it heard don’t you? The truth is you’re weak and pathetic. You’re just a momma’s boy who never actually became a real man. Get out of my sight. I can’t stand to look at your hideous face.”

Defensiveness

It’s easy to be defensive in a relationship when you think that your partner often comes after you in fights. But, for some, being defensive isn’t just about self protection. Sometimes it is also about not taking accountability. In any event, if a partner isn’t able to take responsibility for their behavior then it’s a sign the relationship needs a healthy adjustment, and quickly.

Does this sound familiar to you?

Question: “Honey, could you make sure to take out the trash before you head to bed tonight? I don’t want to wake up to a stinky kitchen tomorrow morning.”

Defensive response: “Look, I said I was going to do it and I’m going to. I had a really rough day. Why are you even asking me about this now? This is ridiculous!”

Stonewalling

Stonewalling is a really dated term (well, it is!) that essentially refers to the idea of someone shutting down, especially in times of conflict. Many times this is unintentional (or subconscious) but in other cases is wielded as a strategy in an effort for one partner to get what they want (to be left alone).

This can look like someone completely going silent during an argument, walking away, or simply acquiescing (and not working to problem solve) despite the problem remaining.

You can read more about these principles on The Gottman Institute. It should be said that we all have our bad days and might employ some of these tactics unconsciously from time to time. But, it’s important to be conscious and mindful about these to stregthen the relational bond.

If you’re concerned about your relationship, it is always helpful to reach out to a licensed therapist who may be able to offer you (or you and your partner) the support and resources necessary for the path forward.

You may also enjoy reading the following:

How to Handle Arguments in a Relationship

How to Apologize to Someone You’ve Hurt

What You Need to Know About the Silent Treatment

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Here are some ideas.

Make a Pact to Work on the Relationship Together

Long term relationships often fail when either partner runs out of gas or stops trying to make it work entirely. There can be good reasons for this, however if you desire to have your relationship continue to be healthy then making a promise to one another (and to yourselves) to make a concerted effort to improve the relationship is a foundational relationship resolution.

If you can come together in agreement on ways to work on the relationship, it will much easier to support one another in your efforts and get through the inevitable bumps in the road that generally throw relationships for a loop.

Having Better Sex & Intimacy – Whatever that Means to You

Having a healthy intimate relationship is a foundational part of any longterm relationship. Unfortunately, many couples like to work in this area with misguided information about 1) what intimacy should look like and 2) how you should be doing it.

The reality is that intimacy in your relationship is just that…intimacy in your relationship. There is no magic frequency of sex, for example, that means that you’ll have a happy relationship. Having a healthy sex life is really about navigating difference and accurately assessing compatibility. That is, do you and your partner agree on the type of sex and the frequency of sex that you’d like to be having. If so, then you’re all good! If not, there is plenty of work that can be done to help improve that aspect of your relationship.

Many couples also focus on the frequency of sex as a barometer of relationship health, but the experience and kind of sex you’re having is arguably much more important. That’s not to mention that many couples completely forgo intimacy in an effort to have more sex. Intimacy can include sex, but can also include other physical non-sexual touch and sharing of meaningful emotional experiences with one another, both of which help predict long term relationship success.

Self-Define Romance Too

There’s no one right way to romance your partner, contrary to what you might hear (or see). For every magazine article that tells you how to be a better lover in the bedroom there’s another one teaching you how to be more ‘romantic’. The tricky part is there is no one right way to do this.

Sure, romantic comedies are popular for a reason. So are Disney movies about princesses. Both those examples are entertainment and fantasy. They don’t often reflect what actually happens in real life (or what can happen for that matter). As such, one of the relationship resolutions that you might want to consider in the new year is acknowledging the messaging of ‘romance’ that you’re exposed to and work towards accepts your own values. This also means being open to what your partner actually considers romantic instead of just making assumptions. Some people love flowers and chocolate on Valentine’s Day, while others might consider tickets to a sports game for you and a friend pretty thoughtful and romantic. This year, take time to listen and thoughtful about what works best for your partner, rather than what works in the movies and TV.

Practice Setting Healthier Boundaries

If you have any presence online then you may have noticed that in the past couple of years there has been a lot more conversation about the necessity of healthy boundaries. There is a lot of misunderstanding of what that can look like in real life.

Boundaries, when it comes to relationships, are about protecting one’s self most often but they can also mean protecting the sanctity of your relationship from outside sources. Setting boundaries is about intentionally navigating how closely you want others’ influence on your lives. When it comes to maintaining a relationship that likely means being mindful about how others (like family members or friends) engage with you as a couple. In real life this might look like making a pact with your partner to have no phone calls in your shared bedroom or having a non-negotiable date night when others aren’t allowed to be invited. Boundaries could also look like not talking about the details of your sex life to others. Ultimately, it depends on what you and your partner are most comfortable with.

Having a healthy discussion on boundaries, and being proactive about them, can also help limit any miscommunication or confusion around whether or not certain behaviors are considered cheating.

Leave the Silent Treatment Behind

When you’re in the thick of resentment and really in your feelings, some people lash out while others completely shut down. While we all have our moments from time to time, relying on either isn’t wise for the wellbeing of your relationship. It’s simply not sustainable.

Shutting down, or giving someone the silent treatment, isn’t a good strategy as it can be manipulative and can be resentment over time. The last thing that you want is to continue to inadvertently engage in a practice that limits your long term relationship stability. If you often find yourself unable to articulate your thoughts to your partner and withholding information in an effort to punish them, then working through your tendency to give the silent treatment is a worthwhile goal for 2020.

Learn to Fight Fair

Being in a relationship also means that you’re going to experience conflict. Just by nature of having a different person with difference experiences and perspectives natural conflict is bound to happen. And, in and of itself, arguments are not negative sign in a relationship.

More so, fighting fairly is one of the best ways that you can improve your relationship with your partner. Learn how to handle an argument can make arguments less intense and lead you on a healthier path or problem solving and resolution in no time.

Ultimately, it’s up to you and your partner(s) to develop the relationship resolutions that work best for you. Hopefully, these will give you some ideas on how to have a healthier relationship in the new year.

Work on Making Better Apologies Too

By now you know that arguments are par for the course in relationships. So is less than stellar behavior. When you are close with someone, and spending much of your free time together, you will inevitably show some of your not-so-pleasant side. A large part of being in a healthy relationship is about acceptance of your partner’s faults. Unfortunately, this means sometimes dealing with their unruly behavior.

With that in mind, a helpful relationship resolution is to be accountable for your own ‘moments’. This also means learning, and practicing, to give better apologies. It’s hard work to admit when you’re wrong. Our egos can take a toll. But, apologizing is necessary to sustain your relationship.

When we apologize we communicate our own self-awareness. We also give our partner the message that we have the emotional intelligence to know when we’ve hurt them by our words or actions. While no one can always be on their best behavior, learning how to apologize is a foundational relationship skill that can be improved with practice.

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It comes out of a common scenario that just feels awful.

Someone tells you that you’ve done something to hurt their feelings, or you realize you’ve made a mistake of some kind. You apologize but have yet to master that “going back in time” thing, so you can’t fix the fact that it happened. The person seems accepting of your apology and willing to move forward, but you’re still a wreck. You’re mad, sad, frustrated, embarrassed – or all of the above. You just want to feel better! So you don’t let it go. You continue to try to make up for it, or continuing discussing the issue even though the other person just seems over it. But regardless of what you try, nothing really works. It’s just a bad situation.

I think we’ve all been there at least once or twice.

It makes a lot of sense that you want to get rid of that icky feeling immediately. Who WOULDN’T?! But, are you doing it at the other person’s expense? It’s understandable, but it’s also super unfair.

The thing is, you’ve already hurt the other person in some way. You’ve made a mistake, whether intentional or not, and that just sucks. The person might even know that you didn’t mean to! Most of us don’t mean to. I always think the response of “Well, I didn’t do it on purpose” is funny because that’s my default. I sure hope you didn’t do it on purpose, close friend/family member/significant other, because if you did we’d be having a very different conversation.

But just because it was unintentional doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt.

It really sucks when we make the people we care about, or even just people we interact with, feel badly. I’m with you in HATING that feeling. But the person you hurt can’t fix it for you – and you shouldn’t ask them to.

Admitting you made a mistake is really hard, and I give you a ton of credit if you’ve been in a situation where you’ve owned up to your error and delivered a sincere apology. It’s an emotionally exhausting situation for sure, and it makes so much sense if you need to show yourself a little extra love afterwards to make you feel better. You just can’t involve that other person.

If you do, you’re basically hurting them twice.

Not only are you asking someone to go through the emotional labor of having to share with you why you’ve made them feel badly, you’re wanting them to do the work of making you feel better for doing so. But also, you’re sorry? See how those things don’t really go together?

Having a difficult conversation like this with someone is really draining, so take care of yourself. Just do it on your own.

Do whatever you gotta do. Cry it out. Dance it out. Eat some pie. Talk to someone else in your life that you trust. Just do it on your own, so you let the person you wronged heal as well.

Eventually, you’ll both move forward and all will be good! It’s worth the effort, as challenging as it is. Promise!

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Here’s the tweet:

MANY PEOPLE WERE NOT HAPPY.

Many said the text was too stiff. Some people said many other problematic things…it is Twitter after all.

I am still surprised by the reaction.

It’s OK to Set a Boundary with a Loved One

Does this (originally offered as a template/example to be adapted) message come off very stiff? SURE. But, it’s also a template. The one thing that I noticed about the reactions was the apparent difficulty people have with saying “no” to their friends or loved ones when they felt like they can’t be supportive.

I want to be clear. It’s OK to say “no” or “I want to, but I can’t help now, but am free/able later”.

Being able to be fully present and supportive to someone takes a lot of mental energy. If you’re not up to the task to really be helpful, then postponing can be a helpful way of letting your friend know that you care and want to help but just aren’t able to at the moment.

When someone reaches out for support, you may not be able to be as helpful as you want to right then. You might be working or you could be dealing with your own depression or anxiety. You might be tapped out because your job takes a lot out of you emotionally (hello, fellow therapists!).

It’s OK to set the boundary that is in the spirit of that initial tweet. It doesn’t make you a bad person to say, “I want to help but can’t right now. I’ll follow up you tomorrow.”

Setting a Boundary is Healthy For Your Relationship

Odds are your unavailability for the moment might be hurtful to your friend in the moment. That doesn’t mean it’s the wrong choice. And, ultimately, setting that boundary will serve your relationship better in the long run. It will make the relationship healthier.

We are not able to be all things to all people all the time.

When you’re not able to actually be supportive and ready to listen it’s much better to let people know that instead of forcing yourself to be there and performing your support not so wholeheartedly. We can feel when someone isn’t really there with us too, right? Sometimes that is almost worse. It makes that support feel unauthentic. I would argue that is when we really start to feel like burdens to other people.

Does this message verbatim have to be the way you set your boundary or limit? Absolutely not. Find the words that feel more natural to you. Talk to your friend (or partner, parent, etc.) in the way that you normally do. But, don’t be afraid to offer yourself the same care and thoughtfulness when you really need a moment to gather yourself too.

You’ll both be better for it.

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