In our latest episode our hosts and licensed therapists Rachel and Jor-El answer these questions, and give some tangible examples on how you might respond when you want to offer your support to a loved one. 

Here are some related blog posts you might find helpful:

Is there a right way to help?

Want to help? Don’t wait until someone is struggling.

Setting boundaries with friends and loved ones.

What is therapy and how can it help you?

Thank you for listening and please feel free to reach out to us on Instagram and Twitter @vivawellnessnyc.  Also please leave a rating and review on iTunes. Until next time!

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This left me thinking about some research studies I first learned early on as a student in psychology.

There’s some argument that we may be predisposed to misuse power when we have it. If we look at history around the world, it’s obvious that’s largely accurate. But why is that? How do we change from becoming nice, compassionate citizens to people who abuse and harm others when we find ourselves in systems that prioritize white supremacy, ableism, patriarchy and the use of force?

The Stanford Prison Experiment

This Stanford Prison Experiment (yes THAT Stanford) is a stain on the field of psychology, and for good reason. It was highly unethical and immoral to say the least. In 1971 psychology professor Philip Zombardo conducted a social psychology experiment in a prison using college students. In the scenario, participants would spend 7-14 days in a makeshift prison experiment in which a group of students would act as prisoners and the others as guards. Essentially, the goal was to determine the impact of exisiting in a tight social group (prisoner or guard) and how the prisoners would respond to “mild” torture tactics. I told you it was bad.

The experiment ended after just 6 days, once Zombardo’s girlfriend (now wife) witnessed what was happening and got him to call it off.

What started, as Zombardo would say, as a “demonstration” of human nature turned into a free for all. Guards felt compelled to dish out both psychological and physical abuse (denigrating and manipulating the prisoners, removing mattresses, forcing prisoners to be nude, preventing consumption of food and sleep) under Zombardo’s leadership. Prisoners revolted at times, were exhausted at other points and simply fell into a passive, learned helplessness state.

What it demonstrated was the incredible power or group think and how identifying with a specific role can be incredibly motivating.

Other studies and conclusions

Related studies (such as the earlier conducted Milgram study) and the BBC Prison study sought to research similar ideas. Generally, they found that when people are prompted to dole out abuse or torture due to a perceived role (and given the power to do so) then it becomes more challenging to instead act in the most humane ways. This is also moderated by the personality of the individual themselves. In short, leadership, conformity and role identity are crucial in determining how we engage with people who we think we have power over.

As you can see, psychology shows us a lot about the power of persuasion, group think and the allure of power. Organizations and governments must look at these psychological dynamics as they consider the best ways to serve our communities. If not, abusive leadership at the top will continue to create fatal and devastating consequences for the people who interact with the enforcers on a daily basis.

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As a result, a lot of White people are feeling pretty good about themselves. Don’t get me wrong, I think the realization that this is hard work is definitely there. Feelings of shame and hurt that they didn’t do more sooner are being shared, and I’m all for openness and vulnerability. But I think there’s also a sense of pride in people who are now doing something. It’s like that feeling you got as a kid when you finally figured out fractions. THIS WAS HARD BUT NOW I GET IT! You were then totally ready to fraction it up, or in this case, continue to be more aware of expanding your circles.

I have some unfortunate news. You aren’t actually done.

It isn’t just about Black people and it isn’t just about making sure your social media feeds have more POC or reading books by Black authors. If you haven’t already, I encourage you to read more about intersectionality (and if you want, listen to a podcast about it!). It’s the bigger picture of all of this, and it’s the front door to the reality of being “woke”. There are a lot more -isms than just racism and it impacts the world in more ways than just police brutality. We haven’t even talked about hate crimes against Jewish people being on the rise, crimes against LGBTQ+ people just for simple PDAs, or how women still can’t make the same amount of money as men. Those are the big ones. I think a lot of people are aware of the huge, really problematic problems – and that’s great! I hope your work starts to, if it hasn’t already, include all marginalized groups.

But that’s not all! It’s actually everywhere.

Once you start to realize the plight of a lot of groups of people: all people of color, those who identify as LGBTQ+, women, those who are differently abled, etc. you will also start to realize how embedded these micro-aggressions are into our everyday life. When you realize, you’re going to be angry a lot more often. That’s a really hard thing to sign up for. In this case, ignorance really is bliss, or at least a lot less time spent wanting to curse out loud.

I’ll give you some examples.

Why is the worst thing you can call a man, a woman? Top insults in this category include pussy, sissy, literally “a woman” or the ever popular “Grow some balls”.

But at the same time, if a woman wants to be seen as something other than what men find so offensive, she’s ridiculed. “What a bitch”. “Butch”. “Be a lady”. Don’t get me started on how we’re supposed to be sexy, but not TOO sexy because then we’re whores.

Ever see one of those ridiculous INCREASE YOUR TESTOSTERONE! (they’re always yelling) commercials? Yeah, they’re not just ridiculous and funny. This is an example of toxic masculinity (why do all men have to be BIG AND TESTOSTERONE-Y?!). Toxic masculinity leads to things like mass shootings and sexual assault. Good luck trying to laugh at one of those commercials now!

“That’s so gay”. “Go suck a dick”. “No homo”. “Faggot”. There are more insults that imply that, aside from being a woman, being LGBTQ+ is basically the worst thing you can be.

Brace yourself, fellow women. This one’s tough. Why do you wear high heels? Most of us think they’re incredibly painful and uncomfortable. Look how many women ditch their shoes to opt for barefoot dancing at a wedding reception. So why do we wear them? Is your answer “Because I like them!”. Okay, cool. How do you make sense of that you learned to like something that causes you pain? What’s the benefit? (Hint: your answer should start with “the patriarchy”.)

Go watch a few romcoms and look at how many of the stories we find so heart warming are actually a woman saying no and a guy continuing pursue her incessantly until she gives in. Yeah, sorry. I didn’t like that one either.

Lyrics to a lot of rap and/or hip hop songs. Listen to what they’re actually saying.

Go through your day and as you encounter public transit, restaurants, stores, etc., ask yourself if someone in a wheelchair or with mobility issues could access where you are. Spoiler: “no” is going to be a common answer.

Now that I’ve just ruined funny commercials, music, movies, and your shoes, I promise I have a point.

This shit is hard. Necessary, but really difficult. It’s hard to live in a world where you see what goes on behind the scenes, so to speak. In addition to wanting to put the message out there that this work goes well beyond highlighting Black social media influencers, I want to bust another myth.

You are allowed to rest.

Yes, I know. White people aren’t nearly as tired as Black people. 100% true. You know what’s harder than this work? Racism. But at the same time, anyone embarking on this journey is putting forth a lot of effort. That’s especially true if you’re REALLY doing it. It’s also hard to continue to walk through life without your rose colored glasses. Discrimination is literally everywhere and it’s heavy to see that all the time.

So take a break when you need one.

This is a lifelong journey and there’s always more to learn. In order to keep it up, you have to rest. Everyone needs a time out sometimes, and hardly anything is sustainable without one. And if your anti-racist, anti-sexist, anti-homophobic, etc. work isn’t sustainable, what’s the point?

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However…. (you knew that was coming, right?)

An advocate is literally defined (by Dictionary.com, whose Twitter account is A+, in case you haven’t seen it yet!) as “a person who speaks or writes in support or defense of a person, cause, etc.” So based on that definition, there’s no much you have to do in order to wear that label. But I think we should hold anyone who considers themselves an advocate to a higher standard. Sharing your story, and encouraging others to do the same, is great – but how can we go further?

If you consider yourself a mental health advocate, take a step back and really ask yourself how you’re helping the cause.

Are you encouraging people to seek out professional mental health services or helping them to do so? Have you spotlighted therapists or other mental health professionals and their words, rather than just sharing your own? Do you, if possible, donate to organizations helping to make mental health care more accessible? Are you researching the stance people running for office, and current elected officials, on mental health care? When you say you’re a mental health advocate, does that really mean you’re just sharing day to day “self care” practices?

That last one though.

I think too many people are falling into that category. Being a mental health advocate doesn’t just mean you’re encouraging people to do yoga, drink chai lattes, or meditate. All of those things are great, but that isn’t where the work needs to be done.

Those things aren’t stigmatized.

Therapy is. Medication is. Inpatient hospitalization really is. All of those things are also really hard to get access to. The system is broken. Have you spoken with a mental health professional, or a frequent user of those services, to find out how? Have you tried to go to therapy yourself? Is that the experience you’re talking about? Sharing how you take care of yourself on social media is great. Hopefully it gives other people some ideas on how to do the same! But that isn’t mental health advocacy.

It’s okay if the work isn’t for you. Maybe you don’t feel as strongly about mental health care as you do about puppies! And that’s okay, puppies are great and need homes and I love them too. But if you aren’t going to do the heavy lifting, maybe it’s time to rethink that label of mental health advocate. And if you are really passionate about advocating in the mental health field, make sure you’re putting your energy where it’s necessary. You don’t have to do everything, but think about where your focus is in terms of sharing anything that you’d label as being mental health.

What is the impact that you hope you’re making? What are you hoping to change?

Ask yourself those questions, and if you do want to continue to do the work of mental health advocacy (thank you!), please make sure you’re thinking about your answers in a meaningful way. Let’s all fight for what really needs to be changed.

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Coping with the State of the World

These days, I find that I’m spending a lot of time talking with clients about the importance of self-preservation and how we can best cope with the state of the world right now. It’s not that the focus is new, per se, however it seems like more than ever it’s important to embrace self-care and self-preservation.

With so much happening in the world, from COVID-19 to the threats and killings of unarmed Black people, it seems more important than ever for us to cope with our current circumstances. While most of us have tools to cope during “normal” times, its seems more and more likely that we need self-care more than ever.

What is Self-Care REALLY?

If you take a step back from the glossy definition of self-care, you learn that it is really about physical and psychological self-preservation. Self-care is actually about doing what is necessary to stay as healthy as you can. Self-care is about maintaining a since of mental wellness amidst huge societal ills and disease. Without a doubt, that becomes infinitely more difficult in times such as these.

I’ve had more conversations recently with folks as they try to navigate what self-care looks like these days. Some people feel a lot of pressure to participate in protests and related activities but feel guilty for not feeling safe enough to put their minds and bodies at risk. This can lead to a lot of shame and guilt. It’s an ongoing struggle. But, there are plenty of ways to help us as a society advance. Sometimes, that starts with self-care and then extends outward.

As we head into Pride month with the United States under seige, I’m reminded of queer writer Audre Lorde’s infamous quote about self-preservation: ““Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation, and that is an act of political warfare.” When your life, or the lives of your loved ones, is deemed as less valid how revolutionary is the act of self-care? How political does caring for your wellness become when the State sees nothing but danger in the color of your skin?

Caring and rest is political. It is VITAL. That’s not to say that those who are able among us should not use their current capacity to advocate, educate and inform. They should. We should! But, we each have to find our own way in advocating for change, should we believe it necessary.

My hope is that every person can find their way in doing so, whatever that looks like for you. But, let us never forget that love is always the answer and that starts with the love and care you give to yourself. There is no greater weapon for good.

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Old Roles Haven’t Changed

Have you ever experienced being a home for an extended period of time (during corona or otherwise) only to find yourself feeling like you’re 16 years old again? A lot of people have and there’s a good reason for that!

Even if many years have passed since you’ve lived at home with your parents, the dynamics of the relationship may not have changed so much. You may have moved into your own place in another city, but what it is it that brings you back so quickly (and often painfully) to being an angsty teenager when you’re at home? Maybe the roles haven’t actually changed that much.

Have you grown into your own, more mature person? Sure! However, when we go back to the places where we grew up we tend to slide back into old patterns and dynamics subconsciously. This is because the pull of those memories during your formative years are very strong. And, if you’re staying with your parents (or other caretakers) you likely fall back into old patterns of being that remind of your earlier years. You may confine yourself to your bedroom or pop in headphones when walking around the house just like you did when you were younger and starting to carve out your own sense of independence. There’s no harm in that.

The irony is that your parents might also be subconsciously motivated to act in ways similar to when you were younger too! They may unintentionally try to monitor your schedule, eating habits, etc. and that can be frustrating. That dynamic can be hard to see, and escape, so it’s important to keep a watchful eye on your own thoughts and feelings when you’re back home. They might reveal some core issues that still impact your relationship with your parents today.

Familiar Territory Also Means Triggers…Triggers Galore!

Being back home also means being faced with triggering people, events and situations. This will likely bring up challenging emotions that you had to deal with in your younger years. As teenagers many of us dealt with feeling misunderstood and unheard. As we grow up we learn the skills necessary to ask for our needs to be met, but this is much harder to do with your parents.

This, unfortunately, means that you’re likely experiencing some of the same feelings that you felt when you were younger and it might cause you to act in ways like you haven’t in years (maybe even decades!). This is likely because you’re automatically responding to triggers in your environment that aren’t a part of the life (or less so) than you’ve created for yourself as an adult. This might look like family comments about how dissatisfied they are with your weight or your love life. Maybe you’ve told friends and other contacts how to better engage with you, but haven’t quiet taken the leap to set up some boundaries with your parents. It’s hard and scary work. Doing so changes the dynamics and roles which can be very disconcerting for both you and you parents. After all, most people don’t like change. It stands to reason that changing the most influential relationships in your life might cause quite a disruption.

Considerations for the Path Forward

Being able to make the unconscious conscious is one of the strengths of therapy and is likely your best tool in managing your feeling and actions as you’re adjusting to life with your parents again. Try to be mindful and aware of the ways in which you might be behaving that seem out of character for you now. Are you more irritable than normal? What about more isolated to yourself? These might be signs that you’re temporarily regressing.

The good news is that you’ll likely adjust back to your normal self when you’re able to get back to your own home and your everyday lifestyle. However, as we prepare for the longterm repercussions of the pandemic, many more folks are staying at home for longer periods of time. This is opportunity to practice greater self-reflection. And, if you feel so inspired, to do your best to change some unfulfilling dynamics with your parents. Odds are, being able to speak your truth will leave you feeling more confident and in control of the life you want to lead.

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Trans Lifeline: 877-565-8860

Trevor Project: 1-866-488-7386

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The pandemic has been a rollercoaster of emotions.

I’ve woken up hating everyone and everything, only to be fine by 12pm. I’ve started the day feeling incredibly productive but in desperate need of a nap by 3pm. Despite this, I haven’t actually taken a nap since this started. I’ve quickly swung between optimism and “Ohmygod we’re all doomed”. It’s a lot!

That being said, something pretty amazing has happened.

Here’s a list of what I’ve done since this all started. It’s probably not everything, but it’s the first few things that come to mind to avoid boring all of you.

1. I’ve learned about giraffes (their tongues are black to prevent sunburn!), chocolate (twin cacao beans cannot be used!), and viral marketing (people are weird in groups, guys).
2. I’ve gone on daily “walks to nowhere” in which I just walk down a street and then back, taking in my neighborhood.
3. I’ve discovered the power of the electric toothbrush.
4. I’ve improved my sleep and nutrition significantly.
5. My apartment is very clean.

All good, non-work related things right? I think we can all agree we’ve had more time on our hands, and in some ways, aren’t as productive. BUT… here’s what else I’ve done.

1. I made significant edits to the Viva Wellness website.
2. I made headway on new business partnerships.
3. I worked with my clients, sometimes seeing more people in a week than I did before COVID. The mental health struggle is real.
4. I wrote blog posts, recorded podcast episodes, and have done a ton of other not so fun to talk about administrative tasks.
5. I have done virtual events and guest blogs with great people and organizations in an effort to help as many people as possible through this madness.

Now, before I get a bunch of hate DMs, I understand my privilege here.

My business translates to the remote world easily. I have an apartment that I enjoy (although maybe less than I did earlier this year…) and I feel safe in. No one I know, including myself, is serious ill. I’m really lucky, and I know not everyone is this fortunate.

But the point here is, why ISN’T everyone that fortunate? Why are there so many workplaces that function on the “busy culture” of working until you drop as a badge of honor? Why CANT we admire and respect more of a work/life balance instead?

And how did I manage to get all of those things done for ME, but also be productive at work?

Because I, like many of us, have slowed down for the first time in… forever?

This pandemic has forced make to stop, pause, and re-evaluate. What was working? What wasn’t? What really are my priorities? Am I spending my time, money, and energy on what actually matters to me? I discovered that my routine was unsustainable, and when I took a step back to look at the big picture, was harmful. It caused burn out, injury, and just a general feeling that I wasn’t enjoying what I was doing.

I’ve heard this from a lot of other people as well.

All of a sudden, we have time. We have time to do things that nourish our souls and make us happy without having any other productive purpose. We’re doing things we like just because we enjoy them and connecting with people in ways that we haven’t before, even if it is virtually.

One of the best things to come out of this quarantine period has been weekly Zooms.

Some of my favorite people “get together” every Sunday night at 6:30pm. We pick a “theme” of the night (this involves food) and play games. It usually lasts until 10pm. That’s 3 1/2 hours! When was the last time you spent 3 1/2 hours just being with people without anything else that you had to rush to? I know I didn’t do it often, and I should have.

There’s a quote floating around about rushing back to normal and thinking about what we really want to rush back to.

I encourage you to do the same. It seems like, from the perspective of so many, that whatever we were doing before wasn’t actually working. So let’s not go back there. While we can’t live in the pace of the pandemic forever, and we probably don’t want to, let’s all try to find some balance. Make the time for the things that have really felt good to you during this chaos, and especially for the things that you miss terribly and can’t wait to go back to. A good rule of thumb? If you don’t miss it now that it’s on pause, maybe it’s not where your energy should go.

We don’t have to go back to normal. This situation is awful and I’m with you on feeling like I can’t wait until it’s over. But we should learn from it, and build a better version of a life moving forward.

And hopefully, next time, it doesn’t take a pandemic for us to realize when we need to slow down.

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I’m going to throw in my somewhat biased but also expert opinion here: therapy is the best way to learn how to improve and maintain your mental health in a way that works for you. It’s one of the many hills I will die on. That being said, not everyone has the ability to start therapy right now and it shouldn’t be all or nothing. There are plenty of ways to maintain your well being even if you, for whatever reason, can’t choose the most optimal path. So if that’s where you are, it’s okay! Here are some small, everyday things you can do in order to make it a little easier to make it through this time. I’ll tell you a secret, too – they work even when we’re not dealing with a pandemic.

Sleep in.

Yup, that’s in. Just get some more sleep. I realize not everyone is able to do this on a regular basis (hello, parents!), but as much as you can, sleep until your body no longer wants to sleep. Listening to your body without restriction is freeing in and of itself, but chances are, you’re tired. Stay in bed!

Move.

Please note that I did not say exercise. Exercise is great, but implies that you’re sweaty, out of breath, and changing into different clothes. You don’t need to formally exercise, although you should if you can! Just move your body. Take a walk. Stretch a few times a day. Dance around to your favorite song. Do it for a few minutes and note how you feel afterwards compared to how you felt before. It’s pretty awesome, right?

Cry, scream, hit things (soft, inanimate objects).

I recently read an article in the New York Times advocating for losing control sometimes and I couldn’t agree more. LET YOUR FEELS OUT. It’s okay to feel them and it’s okay to express them. That hitting the pillow thing also really works. Throw a blanket. Throw your shoe. Just don’t throw or hit others. That’s still a crime, rightfully so.

Take a break.

Another thing we can’t do all the time, but when you can, do it. Even if it’s just a few minutes to listen to music, watch a TV show, read a book, or anything else that gives you a minute to breath, it will still be beneficial. TAKE FIVE!

Connect – when it feels right.

Connection is always a delicate balance between wanting to be surrounded by friends and family and NO TOO MANY PEOPLE PLEASE GO AWAY. We naturally fall more one end of the spectrum or the other, and that’s okay. It’s all a little bit trickier now, so make sure you’re checking in with yourself and listening to when you need to spend some time with your people and when you need to crawl into your metaphorical hole by yourself (or real hole, you know, if that’s your jam).

Give yourself a weekly treat.

Once a week, take some time to do something that is just for your enjoyment. Order your favorite dessert. Take a yoga class. Color. Read. Plant a garden. Go to a farmer’s market (while keeping six feet away sorry I had to say it!). It doesn’t matter what it is, just do something for YOU. I order from my favorite Italian restaurant once a week. It’s to support them, but it’s really to support me too. It’s a fun tradition to look forward to as a “Congrats! You made it through another week of this madness!” celebration.

Make a list of things to look forward to once this is over.

This WILL end one day. It might not be soon and we might not be able to circle the date on the calendar right now, but it will end. COVID-19 will be in the past at some point. Make a list of what you want to do and where you want to go when it’s over. Even if you can’t plan specifics, it can be helpful to remember that this will end and there will be a time when you can do everything you love again. Perspective. It’s beneficial to be present and stay in the moment, but sometimes the moment sucks. It’s helpful to have a reminder that it’s just a moment and not forever.

Take any of these tips that feel helpful and apply it to your life. Leave any that don’t. Whatever you do, know that I’m rooting for you and I know you can get through this.

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The real plan was very us – the Yankees were playing on his birthday, which happened to be a Sunday, which happens to be the day we go to home games during the season. I would have also convinced him to spend his birthday morning in Central Park at NYRR’s Run to Breathe. It was a very easy, straight forward, and standard plan. One of those days that’s fun, but not overly exciting, because it’s something you always do. You’re looking forward to it, but not TOO much. You know what I’m talking about.

We all had those plans. Keyword: HAD.

On the morning of Jor-El’s actual birthday, the one in the middle of a pandemic and not so much the one we had planned for, it was raining. Not a downpour that would have canceled a baseball game, but just enough rain to make it into the “Remember when we sat at Yankee Stadium in the WORST weather?” files. In other words, we would have gone, been cold and wet, and then complained at the deli afterwards. We’ve done it before, and we’ll do it again, but it’s not usually something I’m excited about. It’s wet and cold! You might be thinking that it’s not an ideal way to spend a birthday, either. I’ve done it myself. It’s not! And my birthday is in the much warmer month of August.

But there are a lot of things I would have done that day to have been able to sit at Yankee Stadium, cold, in our ponchos that don’t keep the rain out, watching baseball.

I’ve been talking a lot to people about the things we miss most during this quarantine period and what we can’t wait to get back to. A lot of those things are what we took for granted before all of this happen. In my head, spending Sundays at the ballpark was just a given. I always looked forward to the April NYRR races (there’s one every week!), but I didn’t REALLY appreciate them. They were just always there!

That’s what we do. We take things for granted.

It’s not always a bad thing. It’s good to get used to the good things in your life, whatever they may be, and not always be living in fear of them being taken away at any moment. That would be really stressful. We all have that awareness, but it’s usually in the back of our minds as we eat at our favorite neighborhood restaurant without giving it much thought. If we constantly held the idea that everything we love could suddenly vanish in our brains, we would never leave the house. It has to be hidden, at least most of the time, in order to make it through the day.

So we forget to ooze appreciation for everything we have that we’re lucky enough to put in our regular routines.

When this is over, we won’t forget. On the morning of that first race back, I will jump out of bed, even if it’s before 6am. I’ll probably cry at the finish line, even if it’s only a 4 mile run. Let’s be real, I’m gonna cry at the start too. I will have all the warm fuzzies thinking about how amazing it is that we can all line up together again. I will be so excited for the first baseball game of the year (this year? next year? who knows!) that I won’t complain about the massive line to get in or the people who wander around as if there aren’t forty thousand other people there with them. It’ll be like I’m six years old again and going to my first game ever.

Time will go on, things will get back to normal, and then we won’t be as excited anymore.

Everything will, once again, be routine. That’s what happens, because it’s what has to happen. Remember, it’s how we make it through the day. Just another Sunday starting in Central Park before the sun and finishing with a pastrami sandwich at the deli after a Yankees win. No big deal. It won’t make me want to cry. And your “thing” won’t either. Beers after work with your co-workers? Family dinners? Birthday parties out in the world? Just another day. We’ll take it all for granted once again.

And that is the moment this will officially be over.

I’m counting the days.

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