It’s OK to say no.

In that original thread a lot of people (in an attempt to offer support) said on how rude it was of the contact to say “no” to the request for a follow up phone call/conversation. People were pretty aghast! HOW DARE SHE?! It should be noted, however, that the original poster stated the contact did respond via email with some thoughts. They just simply rejected the potential of a follow-up call. I find it shocking how up in arms otherwise intelligent people were about someone simply saying “no.”

People don’t owe us anything.

It’s interesting to me that a lot of people are talking about boundaries these days but so many people seem to think negatively of people saying no. But, isn’t saying “no” simply an exercise in setting a time boundary? Isn’t that person simply saying I don’t want to invest more time with this?

Why are we uncomfortable with that? What makes us feel such hurt in those moments and feel compelled to belittle someone who sets a perfectly reasonable boundary?

Let’s be honest, rejection isn’t easy to face. Many of us struggle with insecurities. We all struggle with entitlement to varying degrees. We all want to matter and want others to see us. As a result, we often overreact when someone sets a boundary with us. Most of the time that boundary isn’t really about us at all, but more so about that person taking care of themselves. And we don’t know what’s going on for that other person. We are not entitled to know more details for that “no” to be valid, especially if it’s an acquaintance or virtual stranger.

If we want people to honor our boundaries and the ways that we need to take care of ourselves, we have to continuously dig deeper internally to make sure that we’re not unconsciously overstepping theirs. It’s important that we examine why it’s OK to be entitled when it serves us, but then demonize others for doing the same when we’re on the receiving end.

This is a part of our individual, and collective, ongoing work.

The next time you find yourself on the receiving end of a “no” try to respect that no graciously and spend more time with yourself if that hits a sore spot. That’s perfectly normal! Let’s all make sure that we’re honoring each other’s needs with compassion because rarely does shaming others help motivate them to behave on our terms. Let’s try to understand and appreciate a boundary for what it is, and not get caught up in our own internal stories of rejection in those moments.

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As much as people have come to better understand the necessity (and utility) of personal boundaries, these ideas have also gotten a bad rap. Many consider those with a sense of boundaries as healthy, balanced people. However, people who set up personal limits are now also commonly thought of as stubborn, stone-wallers who seek to punish people who make mistakes.

Be mindful of those who seek to challenge appropriate and healthy-boundary setting as they may be fighting against a change in access to you which has previously enabled them to impart harm (even subconsciously). Needless to say, these standards are incredibly complicated and if you are struggling to set them up, figure them out for yourself, or maintain them a licensed therapist is your best support for more objective processing.

Here are the six types:

Time boundaries

Time, as it sounds, refers to how a person uses and spends their time. This looks like how you might divide the time between your personal relationships and work, or time being spent on investing in yourself.

Physical boundaries

Physical boundaries refer to the expectations and limits we have with relation to physical sensation and touch. This can differ widely depending on the context or relationship. For example, you may be perfectly comfortable hugging a good friend, but may only want to shakes hands with colleagues at work. What physical boundaries are you most comfortable with?

Material boundaries

This refers to the the sharing and use of our resources, like finances. Having healthy boundaries in this area can mean different things to different people. However, the foundation should be set on making sure that you have enough for you to sustain yourself and how you might recoup your materials (like lending someone your car, or money) if damaged or unreturned.

Intellectual boundaries

These standards refer to the expectations we have of ourselves, and others, when engaging with thoughts and ideas. When you share your thoughts with others how often do you get the respect you deserve? Is there someone in your life who always questions you or minimizes your ideas and knowledge?

Sexual boundaries

Sexual boundaries refer to our sense of safety with respect to sexuality and consent. Does your partner respect and honor your limitations around sex? Do you feel comfortable speaking up about your needs and desires? Do your intimate encounters include any type of manipulation or coercion? If so, boundaries are being crossed.

Emotional boundaries

Emotional boundaries are about the sharing of our internal emotional lives and feelings with others. When we are at our most vulnerable we need to feel protected and safe to share our feelings. Are there some people who always affirm and validate your feelings? Do others gaslight you and minimize your perspectives?

Thoughts for further reflection…

Where are your boundaries in these areas right now? Do you have any? Do you want any of them to change?

Take some time to reflect with yourself to assess where your energy and resources are going before making any adjustments. Having healthy limits is one way to practice self-care. They will enable you live a daily life that feels more satisfactory and restorative to you, which we all really want and need.

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Here’s the tweet:

MANY PEOPLE WERE NOT HAPPY.

Many said the text was too stiff. Some people said many other problematic things…it is Twitter after all.

I am still surprised by the reaction.

It’s OK to Set a Boundary with a Loved One

Does this (originally offered as a template/example to be adapted) message come off very stiff? SURE. But, it’s also a template. The one thing that I noticed about the reactions was the apparent difficulty people have with saying “no” to their friends or loved ones when they felt like they can’t be supportive.

I want to be clear. It’s OK to say “no” or “I want to, but I can’t help now, but am free/able later”.

Being able to be fully present and supportive to someone takes a lot of mental energy. If you’re not up to the task to really be helpful, then postponing can be a helpful way of letting your friend know that you care and want to help but just aren’t able to at the moment.

When someone reaches out for support, you may not be able to be as helpful as you want to right then. You might be working or you could be dealing with your own depression or anxiety. You might be tapped out because your job takes a lot out of you emotionally (hello, fellow therapists!).

It’s OK to set the boundary that is in the spirit of that initial tweet. It doesn’t make you a bad person to say, “I want to help but can’t right now. I’ll follow up you tomorrow.”

Setting a Boundary is Healthy For Your Relationship

Odds are your unavailability for the moment might be hurtful to your friend in the moment. That doesn’t mean it’s the wrong choice. And, ultimately, setting that boundary will serve your relationship better in the long run. It will make the relationship healthier.

We are not able to be all things to all people all the time.

When you’re not able to actually be supportive and ready to listen it’s much better to let people know that instead of forcing yourself to be there and performing your support not so wholeheartedly. We can feel when someone isn’t really there with us too, right? Sometimes that is almost worse. It makes that support feel unauthentic. I would argue that is when we really start to feel like burdens to other people.

Does this message verbatim have to be the way you set your boundary or limit? Absolutely not. Find the words that feel more natural to you. Talk to your friend (or partner, parent, etc.) in the way that you normally do. But, don’t be afraid to offer yourself the same care and thoughtfulness when you really need a moment to gather yourself too.

You’ll both be better for it.

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Surprise! There’s no universal line to cross (or not cross)

When it comes to relationships, much of the dissatisifcation that we encounter is often due to unexplored expectations. It’s dangerous territory for maintaining intimacy.

We all come to relationships with a set of values and experiences that shape us. Beliefs about relationship boundaries and needs are passed down from the models in our lives. This could be from parents or other family members, friends, and even references in TV and movies. We learn how to relate to other people by relating to those closest to us, and watching how they relate to others. We learn about intimate relationships largely during our youth by watching the adults in our lives and how they interact with one another. The tricky part is, we all have very different experiences in those early family environments.

Even if we come from the same group (such as a cultural group) these messages can differ by family or local community. Given that, everyone has different lines on what’s acceptable in a relationship or not.

And when it comes to what constitutes cheating, the lines may be more blurred than you might think.

Internet culture has changed how we view cheating

Now not only do we enter relationships with different belief systems (as we always have) but we also enter relationships in an era where connectivity online is almost ubiquitous. This means we all have differing views on what our boundaries online might look like.

In years past, the lines of cheating may have been a bit simpler. Now we must consider how our behavior online might fall within, or outside of, the boundaries of our relationship. Sure, having sex with another person (while in a monogamous relationship) is a definable line in the sand. What about those random thirst follows on Instagram? Does it matter if the person is a public figure versus a “normal” person? Do friendly DMs cross the line?

What about grabbing coffee with a coworker alone?

Boundaries start with a conversation… or many…

Defining boundaries in a relationship is an intentional conversation between partners. Sure, you won’t be able to imagine any and all situations in which your boundaries might be crossed, but it’s important to get ahead of the lines around cheating before any problems arise.

It’s important to have these conversations with your partner with compassion and understanding. This can be especially hard when you’ve been hurt in the past or experienced cheating before. However, it’s important to remember (as I mentioned earlier) that everyone has different beliefs and values about their relationship boundaries. Given that, it’s important to approach this conversation with an open mind and an intent to collaborate on defining the boundaries for your new relationship. Relationship boundaries are a negotiation and no partner should be left feeling controlled or manipulated.

And one conversation may not do it. It’s OK if the conversation about boundaries takes place over the course of many conversations. Boundaries these days can be a moving target, especially as technology evolves and many more people explore different relationship structures.

It’s about finding what works for you & your partner(s)

Defining a relationship inherently defines what constitutes cheating. It’s always health to talk about your desires and concerns transparently. Ultimately, doing so will give you the ability to create the kind of relationship (with its boundaries) that feels right for you and your partner(s).

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