Surprise! There’s no universal line to cross (or not cross)

When it comes to relationships, much of the dissatisifcation that we encounter is often due to unexplored expectations. It’s dangerous territory for maintaining intimacy.

We all come to relationships with a set of values and experiences that shape us. Beliefs about relationship boundaries and needs are passed down from the models in our lives. This could be from parents or other family members, friends, and even references in TV and movies. We learn how to relate to other people by relating to those closest to us, and watching how they relate to others. We learn about intimate relationships largely during our youth by watching the adults in our lives and how they interact with one another. The tricky part is, we all have very different experiences in those early family environments.

Even if we come from the same group (such as a cultural group) these messages can differ by family or local community. Given that, everyone has different lines on what’s acceptable in a relationship or not.

And when it comes to what constitutes cheating, the lines may be more blurred than you might think.

Internet culture has changed how we view cheating

Now not only do we enter relationships with different belief systems (as we always have) but we also enter relationships in an era where connectivity online is almost ubiquitous. This means we all have differing views on what our boundaries online might look like.

In years past, the lines of cheating may have been a bit simpler. Now we must consider how our behavior online might fall within, or outside of, the boundaries of our relationship. Sure, having sex with another person (while in a monogamous relationship) is a definable line in the sand. What about those random thirst follows on Instagram? Does it matter if the person is a public figure versus a “normal” person? Do friendly DMs cross the line?

What about grabbing coffee with a coworker alone?

Boundaries start with a conversation… or many…

Defining boundaries in a relationship is an intentional conversation between partners. Sure, you won’t be able to imagine any and all situations in which your boundaries might be crossed, but it’s important to get ahead of the lines around cheating before any problems arise.

It’s important to have these conversations with your partner with compassion and understanding. This can be especially hard when you’ve been hurt in the past or experienced cheating before. However, it’s important to remember (as I mentioned earlier) that everyone has different beliefs and values about their relationship boundaries. Given that, it’s important to approach this conversation with an open mind and an intent to collaborate on defining the boundaries for your new relationship. Relationship boundaries are a negotiation and no partner should be left feeling controlled or manipulated.

And one conversation may not do it. It’s OK if the conversation about boundaries takes place over the course of many conversations. Boundaries these days can be a moving target, especially as technology evolves and many more people explore different relationship structures.

It’s about finding what works for you & your partner(s)

Defining a relationship inherently defines what constitutes cheating. It’s always health to talk about your desires and concerns transparently. Ultimately, doing so will give you the ability to create the kind of relationship (with its boundaries) that feels right for you and your partner(s).

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I think this quote encapsulates so much about our struggles in relationships, whether they be romantic, platonic of familial. When we have a deep connection with another person, the emotional stakes are inevitably raised. That is, in part, what makes it so difficult when someone close to us hurts us…or we hurt them.

Crafting the perfect apology is a fallacy. There is no such thing as a perfect apology. One thing that rings true for the listener in one apology might be a minefield for another person. After all, we bring our unique selves and histories with us to every moment of every interaction. However, there are some fundamental relationship “truths” as I call them that will go a long way in making sure someone feels your apology.

First Apologize by Acknowledging the Hurt

First and foremost, we all want to be seen and understood as people. Practicing sympathy is very important in situations where you have to make amends for someone who was hurt as a result of your actions. A big part of having a successful apology is first acknowledging that hurt.  If you see someone who is angry, frustrated, crying or sad because of something that you did, it’s important to honor those emotions by saying something like, “I can tell that you’re upset right now and I’m sorry that you feel that way.” Taking a moment to acknowledge someone else’s pain can be incredibly healing for them in the moment and serve as a helpful foundation as you move forward with your apology.

Apologize by Taking Responsibility

A part of being in a relationship (of any variety) is being able to take responsibility for your actions. When you are attempting to apologize to someone because you hurt them, taking responsibility for your specific behavior is key. “I’m sorry that I hurt you” in and of itself isn’t bad, but for many folks it could be better. Being specific about what behavior you did to negatively impact someone else is key, along with not coming up with a litany of reasons why you did what you did. To take responsibility for your behavior, you can leave out those reasons why unless you are probed further. In most instances, people may even understand your why, but that doesn’t take away any of the hurt. Apologizing isn’t about explaining, it’s about communicating compassion. For example, to make that previous phrase (in an example) even more impactful you may say something like, “I realize that I didn’t return you call in a timely manner and that left you feeling ignored. I should not have done that and I’m sorry that I hurt you.”

Apologize & Keep Your “I” On the Prize

One of the ways in which we inadvertently botch our apologies is that we project our focus back to the person who we are apologizing too. This can lead them to feeling more defensive and can eradicate any good faith effort you’ve put into your apology. That’s why it’s so important to stick to “I” statements as much as possible. In addition to taking responsibility for what you’ve done, communicating from a point of self-reference will be incredibly helpful in helping your conversation partner understand and accept your apology.

As mentioned earlier, there is no fool-proof plan to guarantee a perfect apology but if you take a little time to take some of these themes into consideration I have a feeling that you will definitely be on your way to healing an unintentional wound.

If you’d like to work with a relationship coach in bettering your relationship, contact Viva Wellness to set up an in person or remote session today.

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Myth: Happy couples don’t “fight”.

Reality: We often have an unrealistic expectation about arguments in relationships.

Many believe that happy couples simply don’t argue. This isn’t true! While arguments should never be the predominant way of communicating in any relationship, disagreements are a natural part of sharing your life with someone. While arguments are unavoidable, couples do much better when they learn to fight fair.

Myth: You shouldn’t have to talk about sex with your partner.

Reality: Sex is an essential part of an intimate relationship and requires feedback.

Many people expect for things to “just work” when it comes to sex but the truth is that each person may have very different expectations for sex. It’s essential to talk through the frequency of sex and what kind of sex you like to have most to give you the best chance of sexual satisfaction.

Myth: Men are natural cheaters and can’t control their sexual impulses.

Reality: Most men do not cheat on their partners.

Men are generally more likely to cheat throughout the lifespan than women but the number of men who cheat is nowhere near all, or even the majority. Research has demonstrated that men and women cheat in relatively close percentages at certain periods in life. This changes once people reach 50 years of age, or older. Men cheat in far greater numbers at older ages when compared to women. The cheating gap is widest in older adults.

Myth: Once a cheater, always a cheater.

Reality: This is nothing more than an old cliche that’s been passed down through generations.

While there is some truth to the idea statistically, there are ways to rebuild trust in partnerships and prevent cheating from happening repeatedly. Through ongoing self-reflection, often in therapy, those who have the tendency to stray can avoid the behavior in the future. Additionally, couples therapy provides a healthy space for couples to potentially recover from infidelity and learn to trust again.

Myth: Premarital counseling means your relationship is already doomed.

Reality: It can be difficult to talk through some of the topics that we’ve covered in this article and premarital counseling is a great space to set yourself up for long-term success.

Talking about sex, finances and how to deal with family members are important topics that need to be talked about in order to create a healthy communication dynamic between partners. And even if you don’t plan to attend premarital counseling, there are still a wide range of topics to talk through before the big day.

We hope that these relationship myths and realities help you made wiser choices in your relationship. If you’d like to work with a member of Viva Wellness on relationship coaching, please feel free to reach out to us.

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