As a result, a lot of White people are feeling pretty good about themselves. Don’t get me wrong, I think the realization that this is hard work is definitely there. Feelings of shame and hurt that they didn’t do more sooner are being shared, and I’m all for openness and vulnerability. But I think there’s also a sense of pride in people who are now doing something. It’s like that feeling you got as a kid when you finally figured out fractions. THIS WAS HARD BUT NOW I GET IT! You were then totally ready to fraction it up, or in this case, continue to be more aware of expanding your circles.

I have some unfortunate news. You aren’t actually done.

It isn’t just about Black people and it isn’t just about making sure your social media feeds have more POC or reading books by Black authors. If you haven’t already, I encourage you to read more about intersectionality (and if you want, listen to a podcast about it!). It’s the bigger picture of all of this, and it’s the front door to the reality of being “woke”. There are a lot more -isms than just racism and it impacts the world in more ways than just police brutality. We haven’t even talked about hate crimes against Jewish people being on the rise, crimes against LGBTQ+ people just for simple PDAs, or how women still can’t make the same amount of money as men. Those are the big ones. I think a lot of people are aware of the huge, really problematic problems – and that’s great! I hope your work starts to, if it hasn’t already, include all marginalized groups.

But that’s not all! It’s actually everywhere.

Once you start to realize the plight of a lot of groups of people: all people of color, those who identify as LGBTQ+, women, those who are differently abled, etc. you will also start to realize how embedded these micro-aggressions are into our everyday life. When you realize, you’re going to be angry a lot more often. That’s a really hard thing to sign up for. In this case, ignorance really is bliss, or at least a lot less time spent wanting to curse out loud.

I’ll give you some examples.

Why is the worst thing you can call a man, a woman? Top insults in this category include pussy, sissy, literally “a woman” or the ever popular “Grow some balls”.

But at the same time, if a woman wants to be seen as something other than what men find so offensive, she’s ridiculed. “What a bitch”. “Butch”. “Be a lady”. Don’t get me started on how we’re supposed to be sexy, but not TOO sexy because then we’re whores.

Ever see one of those ridiculous INCREASE YOUR TESTOSTERONE! (they’re always yelling) commercials? Yeah, they’re not just ridiculous and funny. This is an example of toxic masculinity (why do all men have to be BIG AND TESTOSTERONE-Y?!). Toxic masculinity leads to things like mass shootings and sexual assault. Good luck trying to laugh at one of those commercials now!

“That’s so gay”. “Go suck a dick”. “No homo”. “Faggot”. There are more insults that imply that, aside from being a woman, being LGBTQ+ is basically the worst thing you can be.

Brace yourself, fellow women. This one’s tough. Why do you wear high heels? Most of us think they’re incredibly painful and uncomfortable. Look how many women ditch their shoes to opt for barefoot dancing at a wedding reception. So why do we wear them? Is your answer “Because I like them!”. Okay, cool. How do you make sense of that you learned to like something that causes you pain? What’s the benefit? (Hint: your answer should start with “the patriarchy”.)

Go watch a few romcoms and look at how many of the stories we find so heart warming are actually a woman saying no and a guy continuing pursue her incessantly until she gives in. Yeah, sorry. I didn’t like that one either.

Lyrics to a lot of rap and/or hip hop songs. Listen to what they’re actually saying.

Go through your day and as you encounter public transit, restaurants, stores, etc., ask yourself if someone in a wheelchair or with mobility issues could access where you are. Spoiler: “no” is going to be a common answer.

Now that I’ve just ruined funny commercials, music, movies, and your shoes, I promise I have a point.

This shit is hard. Necessary, but really difficult. It’s hard to live in a world where you see what goes on behind the scenes, so to speak. In addition to wanting to put the message out there that this work goes well beyond highlighting Black social media influencers, I want to bust another myth.

You are allowed to rest.

Yes, I know. White people aren’t nearly as tired as Black people. 100% true. You know what’s harder than this work? Racism. But at the same time, anyone embarking on this journey is putting forth a lot of effort. That’s especially true if you’re REALLY doing it. It’s also hard to continue to walk through life without your rose colored glasses. Discrimination is literally everywhere and it’s heavy to see that all the time.

So take a break when you need one.

This is a lifelong journey and there’s always more to learn. In order to keep it up, you have to rest. Everyone needs a time out sometimes, and hardly anything is sustainable without one. And if your anti-racist, anti-sexist, anti-homophobic, etc. work isn’t sustainable, what’s the point?

The post The burden of being “woke” – and why it’s okay to rest. appeared first on .

However…. (you knew that was coming, right?)

An advocate is literally defined (by Dictionary.com, whose Twitter account is A+, in case you haven’t seen it yet!) as “a person who speaks or writes in support or defense of a person, cause, etc.” So based on that definition, there’s no much you have to do in order to wear that label. But I think we should hold anyone who considers themselves an advocate to a higher standard. Sharing your story, and encouraging others to do the same, is great – but how can we go further?

If you consider yourself a mental health advocate, take a step back and really ask yourself how you’re helping the cause.

Are you encouraging people to seek out professional mental health services or helping them to do so? Have you spotlighted therapists or other mental health professionals and their words, rather than just sharing your own? Do you, if possible, donate to organizations helping to make mental health care more accessible? Are you researching the stance people running for office, and current elected officials, on mental health care? When you say you’re a mental health advocate, does that really mean you’re just sharing day to day “self care” practices?

That last one though.

I think too many people are falling into that category. Being a mental health advocate doesn’t just mean you’re encouraging people to do yoga, drink chai lattes, or meditate. All of those things are great, but that isn’t where the work needs to be done.

Those things aren’t stigmatized.

Therapy is. Medication is. Inpatient hospitalization really is. All of those things are also really hard to get access to. The system is broken. Have you spoken with a mental health professional, or a frequent user of those services, to find out how? Have you tried to go to therapy yourself? Is that the experience you’re talking about? Sharing how you take care of yourself on social media is great. Hopefully it gives other people some ideas on how to do the same! But that isn’t mental health advocacy.

It’s okay if the work isn’t for you. Maybe you don’t feel as strongly about mental health care as you do about puppies! And that’s okay, puppies are great and need homes and I love them too. But if you aren’t going to do the heavy lifting, maybe it’s time to rethink that label of mental health advocate. And if you are really passionate about advocating in the mental health field, make sure you’re putting your energy where it’s necessary. You don’t have to do everything, but think about where your focus is in terms of sharing anything that you’d label as being mental health.

What is the impact that you hope you’re making? What are you hoping to change?

Ask yourself those questions, and if you do want to continue to do the work of mental health advocacy (thank you!), please make sure you’re thinking about your answers in a meaningful way. Let’s all fight for what really needs to be changed.

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The pandemic has been a rollercoaster of emotions.

I’ve woken up hating everyone and everything, only to be fine by 12pm. I’ve started the day feeling incredibly productive but in desperate need of a nap by 3pm. Despite this, I haven’t actually taken a nap since this started. I’ve quickly swung between optimism and “Ohmygod we’re all doomed”. It’s a lot!

That being said, something pretty amazing has happened.

Here’s a list of what I’ve done since this all started. It’s probably not everything, but it’s the first few things that come to mind to avoid boring all of you.

1. I’ve learned about giraffes (their tongues are black to prevent sunburn!), chocolate (twin cacao beans cannot be used!), and viral marketing (people are weird in groups, guys).
2. I’ve gone on daily “walks to nowhere” in which I just walk down a street and then back, taking in my neighborhood.
3. I’ve discovered the power of the electric toothbrush.
4. I’ve improved my sleep and nutrition significantly.
5. My apartment is very clean.

All good, non-work related things right? I think we can all agree we’ve had more time on our hands, and in some ways, aren’t as productive. BUT… here’s what else I’ve done.

1. I made significant edits to the Viva Wellness website.
2. I made headway on new business partnerships.
3. I worked with my clients, sometimes seeing more people in a week than I did before COVID. The mental health struggle is real.
4. I wrote blog posts, recorded podcast episodes, and have done a ton of other not so fun to talk about administrative tasks.
5. I have done virtual events and guest blogs with great people and organizations in an effort to help as many people as possible through this madness.

Now, before I get a bunch of hate DMs, I understand my privilege here.

My business translates to the remote world easily. I have an apartment that I enjoy (although maybe less than I did earlier this year…) and I feel safe in. No one I know, including myself, is serious ill. I’m really lucky, and I know not everyone is this fortunate.

But the point here is, why ISN’T everyone that fortunate? Why are there so many workplaces that function on the “busy culture” of working until you drop as a badge of honor? Why CANT we admire and respect more of a work/life balance instead?

And how did I manage to get all of those things done for ME, but also be productive at work?

Because I, like many of us, have slowed down for the first time in… forever?

This pandemic has forced make to stop, pause, and re-evaluate. What was working? What wasn’t? What really are my priorities? Am I spending my time, money, and energy on what actually matters to me? I discovered that my routine was unsustainable, and when I took a step back to look at the big picture, was harmful. It caused burn out, injury, and just a general feeling that I wasn’t enjoying what I was doing.

I’ve heard this from a lot of other people as well.

All of a sudden, we have time. We have time to do things that nourish our souls and make us happy without having any other productive purpose. We’re doing things we like just because we enjoy them and connecting with people in ways that we haven’t before, even if it is virtually.

One of the best things to come out of this quarantine period has been weekly Zooms.

Some of my favorite people “get together” every Sunday night at 6:30pm. We pick a “theme” of the night (this involves food) and play games. It usually lasts until 10pm. That’s 3 1/2 hours! When was the last time you spent 3 1/2 hours just being with people without anything else that you had to rush to? I know I didn’t do it often, and I should have.

There’s a quote floating around about rushing back to normal and thinking about what we really want to rush back to.

I encourage you to do the same. It seems like, from the perspective of so many, that whatever we were doing before wasn’t actually working. So let’s not go back there. While we can’t live in the pace of the pandemic forever, and we probably don’t want to, let’s all try to find some balance. Make the time for the things that have really felt good to you during this chaos, and especially for the things that you miss terribly and can’t wait to go back to. A good rule of thumb? If you don’t miss it now that it’s on pause, maybe it’s not where your energy should go.

We don’t have to go back to normal. This situation is awful and I’m with you on feeling like I can’t wait until it’s over. But we should learn from it, and build a better version of a life moving forward.

And hopefully, next time, it doesn’t take a pandemic for us to realize when we need to slow down.

The post How we were living before? It wasn’t working. appeared first on .

But just like anything else, there’s a downside.

Because we can share information quickly and easily, there’s also a lot of misinformation floating around. People are sharing, which is good, but they’re sharing a lot of uninformed opinions, which sadly is not so good. It’s getting more difficult to discern whose thoughts you should listen to and whose you should discard as biased and missing key facts when forming their perspective.

Aside from the political nonsense that’s floating around out there, especially during an election year, I’ve noticed that there’s one major problem that so many people are falling victim to.

We’re refusing to admit what we don’t know.

Have you been on Twitter dot com? Number one Twitter rule: do NOT read the mentions. Follow who you want, but do not under any circumstances click that little bubble that will lead you to all the comments on a particular tweet. It’s a dark spiral of negativity and people just being downright mean. There’s also a whole lot of wrong going on. Not only are there comments that are super disrespectful and nothing you’d ever actually say to someone’s face, but they’re also uninformed and incorrect. And yet, people are all over Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, and whatever other social media platform is cool these days opining on every issue under the sun whether they actually know what they’re talking about or not.

Why?

The short answer is, I don’t know (see what I did there?). Everyone’s reasoning and motivation is different, so it would be unfair of me to start spewing all of these potential reasons why people are adamantly (and often rudely) sharing information and opinions that they don’t actually know much about. Ironically, I’m more qualified to do this than most people on the Internet, but I still won’t!

But to some extent, I think it’s because they can.

It’s easy. Social media and sites like Medium, for example, have made it so easy for people to have a platform to say whatever they want, whenever they want. We (and by we I mean humans) like to be heard. We like when people agree with us and give us high fives for saying or doing something good. The sites, despite the hatred I mentioned in the Twitter comments, are a low barrier way to get that validation. As wrong as you might be, you can probably find someone to agree with you and tell you that you’re doing a great job. Who doesn’t want to hear that?

But it’s a problem.

When we think we know everything, we don’t learn anything. Why ask questions or do a deep dive of research if we think we already know? You can’t become more informed and expand your knowledge base, not to mention develop an understanding and compassion for someone else’s experience, if you’re coming in with the idea that you already know everything there is to know. It’s not good. No one grows that way, and we can’t connect and work together if we have that mindset. Learning new information and being open to sharing ideas is good for our well being. It can reduce our stress and anxiety about a situation. It keeps our brains sharp. It helps us feel connected to each other. It’s a GOOD thing, so why are we avoiding it?

On top of that, if we’re sharing information that actually isn’t true in a public space, someone is probably listening. They might then resonate with your perspective and share it with someone else. Then they might share it with yet another someone else, and so on and so forth. This is how we get into a place where people are drinking bleach and some of us actually believe that weird pizza shop kidnapping rumor involving Hillary Clinton. I know, what WAS that even?!

It’s okay if you don’t know.

There’s nothing wrong with saying the magic phrase “I don’t know enough about that to have an opinion”. Any time I hear something say anything close to that, I want to give them a hug (virtual, I know, social distancing!). It’s so rare, helpful, compassionate, and mature. I love it, and it sadly doesn’t happen that often. Let’s make it happen MORE. Know what you don’t know, and ask questions if you want to know. If you don’t, that’s okay too! But then just exit the conversation. You don’t have to have an opinion on everything. That actually sounds really exhausting. Bow out of debates and the back and forths on topics that you aren’t really invested in. You can hop back in on the topics that you are informed on and/or have some personal experience in. But if you don’t know, let the people who DO know lead the way. Instead of talking, try just listening.

And if all else fails, just repeat after me: “I don’t know”.

The post It’s okay to say you don’t know. appeared first on .

Coping in the Age of Technology

We’ve made incredible ground in the past few decades with technology. Folks around the globe have immediate access to information and news on the ground whenever they want it. But, it has a insidious side too. This means that the darker sides of existance are that much harder to gain distance from. This includes the ongoing violence against Black people in the United States.

Recently someone asked, “can we heal if this is always going on?” I don’t feel like I can offer a reassuring answer to that question. All I know is that we can do what we can to heal on our scale – with ourselves and the people around us that we can touch. But, healing is hard. Maybe coping is a helpful, and functional goal right now.

Seeing videos like Arbery’s killing or reading the news of Breonna Taylor’s death is exposure to trauma for us. Nina Pop’s recent death is a reminder of the ever-present transphobia and misogynoir against Black women.

When we can’t seemingly have sustained peace, we have to find our own ways to cope.

Coping Looks Different on Everyone

As a mental health professional, I can’t help but think how harmful it is to continue to witness and read about the deaths of those who are like you. Racism is not good for our mental health. Thankfully, we now have research to support this. Yes, videos create awareness. There’s no argument against that. However, we have to be mindful about the negative mental health impact of seeing a senseless killing play out right in front of our eyes.

Coping after these events can vary a great deal. Maybe you need to sleep more. Perhaps you drink more than you normally do or you have to debrief with people in your inner circle or community. I’m not here to tell you the “right way” to cope. There is no such thing. Obviously every choice has consequences and implications and it is important to be mindful of those. Not paying attention to those consequences could be dangerous.

The key is to watch for the potential negative consequences of your coping. When that drinking, or complete avoidance, or activism, etc. starts to create other negative consequences then it’s likely time to develop more tools to help you manage your thoughts and feelings more responsibly.

There’s so much that many of us can do to help make it a reality that the next generations do not have to experience the same senseless deaths that we are experiencing right now. If you feel OK enough to do that work, please do. It can look like grassroots organizing, letter-writing, educating friends and family or even working in silence to become anti-racist yourself. Action can certainly help us cope.

However, coping sometimes is also about not allowing yourself to be sensitized to needless death. Coping, as painful as it is, requires an acknowledgment of how deep the fear, anxiety, and anger runs in your body when you think about Arbery, Breonna or Nina’s deaths.

We (the collective US) have a lot of work to do. Just don’t forget to take care of you too.

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The real plan was very us – the Yankees were playing on his birthday, which happened to be a Sunday, which happens to be the day we go to home games during the season. I would have also convinced him to spend his birthday morning in Central Park at NYRR’s Run to Breathe. It was a very easy, straight forward, and standard plan. One of those days that’s fun, but not overly exciting, because it’s something you always do. You’re looking forward to it, but not TOO much. You know what I’m talking about.

We all had those plans. Keyword: HAD.

On the morning of Jor-El’s actual birthday, the one in the middle of a pandemic and not so much the one we had planned for, it was raining. Not a downpour that would have canceled a baseball game, but just enough rain to make it into the “Remember when we sat at Yankee Stadium in the WORST weather?” files. In other words, we would have gone, been cold and wet, and then complained at the deli afterwards. We’ve done it before, and we’ll do it again, but it’s not usually something I’m excited about. It’s wet and cold! You might be thinking that it’s not an ideal way to spend a birthday, either. I’ve done it myself. It’s not! And my birthday is in the much warmer month of August.

But there are a lot of things I would have done that day to have been able to sit at Yankee Stadium, cold, in our ponchos that don’t keep the rain out, watching baseball.

I’ve been talking a lot to people about the things we miss most during this quarantine period and what we can’t wait to get back to. A lot of those things are what we took for granted before all of this happen. In my head, spending Sundays at the ballpark was just a given. I always looked forward to the April NYRR races (there’s one every week!), but I didn’t REALLY appreciate them. They were just always there!

That’s what we do. We take things for granted.

It’s not always a bad thing. It’s good to get used to the good things in your life, whatever they may be, and not always be living in fear of them being taken away at any moment. That would be really stressful. We all have that awareness, but it’s usually in the back of our minds as we eat at our favorite neighborhood restaurant without giving it much thought. If we constantly held the idea that everything we love could suddenly vanish in our brains, we would never leave the house. It has to be hidden, at least most of the time, in order to make it through the day.

So we forget to ooze appreciation for everything we have that we’re lucky enough to put in our regular routines.

When this is over, we won’t forget. On the morning of that first race back, I will jump out of bed, even if it’s before 6am. I’ll probably cry at the finish line, even if it’s only a 4 mile run. Let’s be real, I’m gonna cry at the start too. I will have all the warm fuzzies thinking about how amazing it is that we can all line up together again. I will be so excited for the first baseball game of the year (this year? next year? who knows!) that I won’t complain about the massive line to get in or the people who wander around as if there aren’t forty thousand other people there with them. It’ll be like I’m six years old again and going to my first game ever.

Time will go on, things will get back to normal, and then we won’t be as excited anymore.

Everything will, once again, be routine. That’s what happens, because it’s what has to happen. Remember, it’s how we make it through the day. Just another Sunday starting in Central Park before the sun and finishing with a pastrami sandwich at the deli after a Yankees win. No big deal. It won’t make me want to cry. And your “thing” won’t either. Beers after work with your co-workers? Family dinners? Birthday parties out in the world? Just another day. We’ll take it all for granted once again.

And that is the moment this will officially be over.

I’m counting the days.

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Being able to shift our perspective towards a more positive bend is helpful. This shift serves a functional purpose to keep us moving forward. This is helpful, of course, but we should also not be shaming all the “not so good feelings” we’re experiencing right now. Sadness, panic, fear, hopelessness and grief are all appropriate responses to what’s happening.

But, sometimes we need a mental break from those feelings. We need some other perspectives to keep us going. Here are 8 affirmations I’ve been spending time with over the past few weeks. I hope you find them helpful.

This is not normal and it’s OK that I’m not acting normal.

Try not to internalize the gaslighting that’s happening on the news. This is an unprecedented global issue and trying to be ‘normal’ is an unreasonable expectation right now. Plus, normal has always been overrated.

I am doing the best I can.

We can only do what we can right now. Maybe that means being productive, maybe it doesn’t. All that actually matters is that you’re trying your best.

Creating helps me feel in control.

When so much of our lives feels out of control and uncertain, taking control and creating anything: an experience, playlist or puzzle, can be grounding.

I don’t have to feel guilty for having the resources I do have.

It’s OK to have enough resources to be OK during this time. If you have more than you need, consider how you might help support others if you want – whether that’s emotionally or financially. Either way, having right now doesn’t mean that you can’t feel good about how fortunate you are.

It’s OK for me to experience joy and other positive emotions during this time.

There is no one right way to feel during a pandemic. Relish the moments of joy and ease that you do have. You’re allowed to feel good and hopeful.

There is no right way to survive the pandemic.

We’re all doing the best we can to survive. This may not look like your normal way of being and that’s OK. Extend yourself the grace of flexibility and adaptability.

Taking care of myself helps me better take care of others.

Running yourself into the ground and taking nonessential risks is not helpful to your wellbeing. Taking care of yourself allows you to be more present for others.

Being productive is not a sign of personal worth.

It’s OK if you don’t have the capacity to work extra hard, start a new business or learn a new language. Productivity was never an indicator of worth and still shouldn’t be.

The post 8 Affirmations for Coping with COVID-19 appeared first on .

In our latest episode Rachel and Jor-El take on this listener submitted question on how to get started in therapy. They cover everything from how to search for a therapist and how to know if you’ve got the right fit for you.  Therapy is confusing and can be difficult too. We hope this episode provides some clarity and inspiration for you to get started.

And if you’re in NY state and interested in working with a member of the Viva Wellness team, hit up the New Clients page. Thank you for listening and please feel free to reach out to us on Instagram and Twitter @vivawellnessnyc.  Also please leave a rating and review on iTunes.

Take a listen below!

The post Episode 34 of the Viva Wellness Podcast is LIVE! appeared first on .

We hope this episode helps you better process your own thoughts and feelings about life during this virus.  Please feel free to join the conversation with us on Instagram and Twitter @vivawellnessnyc, @rachelgersten and @jorelcaraballo. And if you feel compelled, please leave a rating and review on iTunes. Thanks for listening!

The post Episode 33 of The Viva Wellness Podcast is LIVE! appeared first on .

Help when you can, where you can. We can all get through this together.

• Call a friend or family member. Reach out and let someone know that you’re there for them and you’re thinking of them – especially if they’re living alone.
• Offer to run an errand. You might know someone who is higher risk or has more difficulty getting around. Maybe you know someone struggling to manage childcare and their work responsibilities. If you can, offer to grab some groceries or make a run to the pharmacy for them.
• Same goes for dog walking. This is even more fun than the errand running!
• Schedule a virtual happy hour, chat, game night, etc. Stay connected. It helps both you and the person you’re “meeting” up with.
• Respect boundaries. We’re all dealing with a lot. If someone in your life needs space for a little while, give it to them.
• Volunteer in your community. Whether you’re a healthcare professional (obviously much needed!) or not, you may have a skill that could be helpful during this time. Research what opportunities are available in your state and/or city.

• Donate. Whether it’s supplies or money, pick a person, a group, or a cause and give what you can. There’s a crazy number of people unemployed right now, and there’s no clear end date. That’s terrifying.
• Send memes. Yes, seriously. Make someone laugh. We don’t have a lot going on right now, and as a result, the simple things end up being the best part of someone’s day.
• Stay informed. Know what the best practices are (they are evolving!) so you can keep yourself and others safe.

• Take care of yourself. One of the best ways to help others is to first help yourself. If you aren’t doing well mentally or physically, you can’t help your family or your community. Do what you need to get through this difficult time.
• Call out people in your life who aren’t taking precautions. This isn’t the time for “keeping the peace”. It’s not a political conversation at the Thanksgiving table, it’s life or death. Your words may not make a difference, but try. You could save a life.
• Support businesses supporting us. Spend your money in places that are helping essential workers or those who have been impacted by the pandemic.
• STAY HOME. Stop the spread. It’s been said over and over again, but here it is one more time.

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