The Shared Experience of Grief

Most of us have experienced significant losses in our lives. This kind of loss isn’t just relegated to death of a loved one, although that is a particularly challenging grief experience. And the closer we are to that person, the more difficult the loss seems to feel.

2020 includes a lot of loss for many. We have lost loved ones due to a pandemic and other health issues. We’re grieving the loss of normalcy and routine. We’re grieving a more peaceful, less anxious or depressive, existence due to all that’s going on in the world. It’s undoubtedly been a tough year. Better understanding how grief and loss works can help us be more compassionate with ourselves (and others!) through the long period of adjustment.

For the purposes of ease, we’ll explore the stages in the context of death of a loved one, but please know that we may experience grief related to the loss of a job, a pet, a home, a miscarriage and in so many other ways.

A Disclaimer About Grief & Loss

As we dive into the stages of grief and loss I feel it’s important to note that when these stages were first proposed there was a linear process to them. That is, we move through stage 1 then stage 2 and so forth.

But, what we better understand now is that grieving is not linear at all. We may feel denial then anger then go back into denial again. Grief is not linear. Healing is not linear. And, there is no specific time frame to go through these stages – no right or wrong way to grieve. That’s also why you’ll see this post switches from “stages” to “states” interchangeably. This reflects the flexibility of these ideas, which are informed by my personal experiences of grief and my professional experiences as a licensed therapist support people through their own grief process. Some people even experience these mental states simultaneously. As you read through these stages please keep those ideas in mind whether you’re considering your own grieving process or the process of someone that you love and care for.

The 5 Stages/Mental States of Grief and Loss

Denial/isolation

Denial and isolation is the first stage of grief and loss and represents our way of coping with the initial shock of a meaningful loss. At first, the loss can feel unbelievable. We might even search for evidence that the news isn’t true. It’s not uncommon to say (or think) things like “That can’t be true – I just talked to her yesterday!”. This stage is often accompanied by isolation and a desire to shut out the world which seeks to force us out of denial.

Anger

If you’ve experienced grief before then you also know that anger is also a very common grief reaction. We may feel anger at our loved one for leaving us. We may feel anger at the world, the universe, god, or even ourselves for our perceived role in the loss. We may intellectually know that those people, things or ideas are not to blame, but anger offers us a way to make sense of and find culpability for the immense amount of pain we’re experiencing. This can also cause discord in relationships as those closest to us often catch the brunt of our anger and irritability as we may our way through our grieving process.

Bargaining

Bargaining is one way to gain some further control or understanding over a situation in which we ultimately feel helpless. With the loss of a loved one, we may start to replay “if only” or “what if” thoughts in our heads. “What if they had gotten help sooner?” “If only I had paid more attention to their changes in behavior!”

Sometimes bargaining also includes contentious dialogue with our spiritual and/or religious beliefs. We may seek to make promises of “better” behavior in the future if we are offered refuge from our pain. Sometimes bargaining help us better manage our irrational internal guilt. This also helps us gain the illusion of power and control over a situation in which we ultimately feel helpless and hopeless.

Depression

This state is often the most self-explanatory stage of grief. This is often the stereotype we have of someone who is grieving. As we near the lived reality of moving without our lost loved one, we can often succumb to the devastating pain of that loss. Daily functioning drops. We may be come increasingly irritated. We may lose motivation and interest in moving on with our lives without our loved one. This is the space in which many folks end up seeking out support in the form of therapy and support groups. However, sometimes we may get stuck in this stage and further self-isolate which often exacerbates our situation which may lead to clinical depression (which can negatively impact our lives more holistically with unintentionally causing more loss).

Acceptance

Unlike the name likely suggests, accepting the loss of a loved one isn’t this neat little bow in which we tie up our grief. No one has ever said “All done with my grief!” and actually moved along. That’s not how grief works.

True acceptance often comes with acknowledging the reality that our lives may never be the same since before our loss. This doesn’t mean that our lives can’t have value, meaning, or joy but it often means we are forever changed. Acceptance is an internalization of this idea paired with a committment to ourselves, and those around us, to keep moving forward in our life while still honoring the loss. Oftentimes, acceptance also allows us to not only remember the pain of loss but also appreciate and revisit with positive memories of our loss loved one, as well as integrating their memory in our lives moving forward.

Losing someone, or something, that you care about isn’t meant to be easy. Our grief is an indication that loss truly meant something to us and it’s OK to have big, messy feelings about a loss. Hopefully, this information offers some clarity and insight in your path forward.

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How is your relationship with social media these days? Probably worth talking about, right? Have no fear as Rachel and Jor-El talk about managing social media and mental health through generally and through the dumpster fire that is 2020. In this episode you’ll get some practical tips and things to consider as you work in creating a healthier relationship with social media (pro tip: avoid doomscrolling!).

Doomscrolling During COVID-19 via Healthline

Social Media: Is it Bad For Your Mental Health? via Viva Wellness

You can follow Jor-El on Pinterest here: https://www.pinterest.com/jcaraballolmhc/

Listen below!

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Mental illness is not a choice.

Mental illness is not a choice. By definition, mental illnesses are conditions that cause people distress – that is, they cause disruptions to someone’s daily life and functioning. No one chooses to struggle with maintaining their mental health and no one would choose a mental illness. But, acceptance of living with a mental illness is often necessary to finding a healthier path forward through support and treatment.

You are not addicted to suffering.

Similar to the myth about choice, we as humans also aren’t “addicted” to suffering. Often times this is something that you’ll hear come out of the mouths of people who are otherwise supportive and want the best for their loved one who is struggling with some mental health issue. It’s also common to hear when someone is dealing with a toxic relationship or otherwise negative habit someone has a hard time changing. This addiction belief undermines very real barriers to change such as dealing with trauma and the concept of secondary gain (more on this in a later post).

Not all people with mental health conditions take medication to manage symptoms.

Many people living with mental health conditions do take medications to manage their mental health issues. That doesn’t mean that everyone does though. There is not one right path to health and its up to the individual to decide what path makes the most sense for them and their lifestyle. Some people will use a variety of methods for support such as medication, therapy, lifestyle changes, spiritual support and so forth.

Some mental illnesses are beyond help.

Unfortunately, this is an idea that I’ve come across in everyday people and some professionals alike (scary, I know). But the evidence is clear, with the right support any person living with a mental health condition can see meaningful progress. That meaningful progress, defined on an individual’s terms, can mean the difference between a life of suffering and a quality of life aligned with their personal goals.

If you’re living with a mental illness, you are not alone.

When we’re struggling in our darkest moments it’s hard to believe that there are many other people out there going through similar thoughts and feelings, but they are! 1 in 5 adults experience a mental illness in a given year, and that’s in the United States alone. Finding solidarity, and leaning on others with similar concerns, can be an incredibly important part of making it through.

The post What You Need to Know About Mental Illness appeared first on .

John Sterling Calls (on Twitter) 

Stumpy: the Labrador is a Hero for Other Dogs

Rachel Wyman (Montclair Bread Co.) on Ali on the Run Podcast

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This week, Rachel and Jor-El are joined by Rebecca Soffer, the co-founder of Modern Loss. Modern Loss is a community of people living with grief (basically everyone in the world) that offers space to honor the pain, absurdity and humor in the grieving process.

We hope you find refuge in this conversation.Please share your thoughts on grief with us on Instagram and Twitter @vivawellnessnyc and feel free to leave a rating and review on iTunes.

You can follow up with Modern Loss at www.modernloss.com and on all the social media channels at @modernloss.

Related reading:

How to Speak Grief

We Need to Have An Honest Conversation About Grief

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Suicide is Difficult to Talk About

Suicide is really difficult to talk about. It’s a scary topic, and I say that to you as a therapist who has helped people navigate suicidal thoughts and attempts in my line of work. This stuff is really scary to think about, and out of fear of doing something wrong or just being uncomfortable we tend to shy away from the topic altogether. I hope today’s post will help chip away at that.

As much as mental health and emotional issues are stigmatized in society, suicide is even more taboo. From the myths of “white-knuckling” through pain and cliches about our ability to withstand anything and never-ending resilience, the reality is that those kinds of statements and ideas unintentionally reinforce stigma. And that means that many people suffer in silence. They suffer internally with their own deep pain while sometimes faking it for the sake of loved ones, friends and coworkers. Those cliches reinforce shame about feeling tired of existing and living through so much pain. Suicidal thoughts thrive in that shame.

That’s why Suicide Prevention Month exists. Its goal is to help de-mystify what suicide is, how common it is and how we can prevent it. While it is scary to think about and potentially talk about, consider how much you help shine a light into where that shame lives in someone’s heart by simply having the courage to talk about it. It’s one way we can all play an important role in preventing suicide.

No. Asking someone doesn’t give them the idea to attempt suicide.

One of the suicide myths that comes up most often is the fear that we’ll give someone who is hurting the idea to plan their suicide if we ask them about it. That’s simply not true! Asking someone about their suicidal thoughts is one of the most helpful things you can do to prevent suicide.

There’s a lot of stigma as it relates to suicidal thoughts, despite many people having some experience with them throughout the course of their lives. These kind of thoughts, whether passive or active, are more common than you might think. But, that doesn’t make them any less concerning.

If we ask someone, “Are you considering suicide?” we’re not somehow convincing someone to take the ultimate choice to end their pain. Chances are, this might have been something they’ve already thought of but just haven’t felt the capacity to speak up about. As scary as it is to ask that question, and those moments before the answer may seem like light years, by asking you’re actually doing something very important. You’re letting your loved one know that you’re at least trying to be there and listen to them, no matter how extreme their pain might be. Asking someone if they’re considering suicide is not an affront, it’s an act of care.

I know that’s likely hard to believe and maybe you’ve asked someone before and had them react really harshly. That might happen. However, when someone is in their most difficult times having someone acknowledge the depth of their pain sends the message, “I see you’re hurting and I want to help.” And, if you’ve experienced incredibly dark periods with your mental health, then you know how most often we really want to be seen and listened to. You know the power of someone taking even just a moment to check in. Those moments are often the ones that help save lives.

Resources to Share with Loved Ones (Or Use Yourself)

If we continue to be open with our loved ones and actively engage in actions that show them we’re there for support no matter what, then we open the door for greater emotional safety. We position ourselves as sources of support, rather than barriers to healing.

If you, or a loved one, are struggling with suicidal thoughts please check out the resources below. And this month, as we try to de-stigmatize the tragedy of suicide, share this article and these resources online. You never know who you might help.

For more support in exploring suicidal thoughts with someone you love (and read about warning signs visit the NAMI page on Risk of Suicide).

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273 TALK (8255)

National Alliance for Mental Illness (NAMI) Crisis Text Line NAMI to 741-741 

Translifeline 877-565-8860

Trevor Project 1-866-488-7386

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Please share your thoughts on mental health in pop culture with us on Instagram and Twitter @vivawellnessnyc and feel free to leave a rating and review on iTunes. Take care!

Related reading:

My love for CC Sabathia and Visibility

An Open Letter to Yankess Ace CC Sabathia

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In our latest episode hosts and licensed therapists Jor-El Caraballo and Rachel Gersten talk how to practice gratitude during tough times. Obviously, 2020 has been a challenging year for all of us and during tough times it can be hard to acknowledge the positives in our lives. Sometimes it can even feel disingenuous. Listen in as Rachel and Jor-El talk through how they themselves practice gratitude during tough times and how they encourage clients to think about things when times are challenging.

As always, thank you for joining us and please don’t hesitate to share your thoughts on gratitude with us on Instagram and Twitter @vivawellnessnyc.  Also please spread the love and share our podcast with your friends. Don’t forget to leave a rating and review on iTunes. Enjoy the episode below!

Related reading:

Feeling Down? Practice the GLAD Technique for a Positive Boost

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First, some basic brain anatomy!

The amygdala is a structure in your brain, located in the deep temporal lobe. This area of the brain is where our emotional impulses and memories are stored and managed. When you see someone in the grocery store without a mask on and feel rageful (or is that just me?!) that’s likely your amygdala hijack taking center stage.

More likely, you may have encountered another really small, but common experience. Smell is a big trigger in memory. Have you ever come across a scent randomly that just made you really happy (or conversely sad)? It’s likely that scent triggered a longstanding memory for you. Maybe the smell of cinnamon reminds you of your family preparing Thanksgiving dinner or the smell of coconuts reminds you of your trips as a child to the beach because that’s what your sunscreen used to smell like. You have, in part, your amygdala to thank for that!

As you can see, the amygdala serves a really important function. It helps us tap into our emotions and memories (and process the emotions of others).

By contrast, the frontal lobe (which includes the pre-frontal cortex) is a very rational part of our brain. It’s the section that helps us regulate emotions, focus and problem solve.

So what does this all have to do with relationship management? Well, have you EVER been in a fight with your partner and just lost it?

Congrats – your amygdala wanted to say hi!

And you know what that means? When you’re emotionally charged your frontal lobe does not function as well. As a result, disagreements can devolve into really nasty, harmful arguments. That’s something we can work on to preserve the health of our relationships.

Why we need to be cautious about the amygdala hijack

Trying to make decisions when your amygdala is highly activated is not a good idea. You may end up suggesting or doing something you’ll likely regret later. That’s why it’s critical for one, or both parties, to realize when a fight no longer has current productive value and take a break. Taking some time to pause and wind down gives you time to literally breathe. When you do so, like magic, your reasonable and balanced frontal lobe makes an appearance. It then provides helpful suggestions on navigating the original source of disagreement productively.

The best we can do is try to be more mindful of when the amygdala might have “hijacked” our brain into a frenzy and just pause for a moment. Odds are you, and your relationship, will be much better off.

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As Rachel shared in one of her posts, everyday thank yous are incredibly important. We need to be able to offer our gratitude for the people around us for the wonderful things they do to show us how much we’re loved and cared for. Sometimes that care is years of parenting (thanks parents!) or a small gift of your favorite treat from a friend.

But how often do you stop and thank yourself for something that you did?

That’s not something that’s drilled in our heads as children nearly as much.

We don’t often think about saying “thank you” to ourselves. That’s a shame! Even if you just look at the hellfire that is 2020, shouldn’t you be thanking yourself for all the ways you’ve been able to survive so far? I think so!

Many people have a difficult time showing ourselves gratitude. It feels “hokey” to talk about congratulating yourself but doing so is a simple way to show yourself appreciation and love. Here are some examples of how you might offer yourself appreciation:

Thank you for working so hard to reach that work goal. You did a great job!

I appreciate you for taking your health seriously and being more conscious of what you consume. Good for you!

You’re doing a great job working through this conflict without resorting to old patterns. Way to stick with it. Progress is hard!

Seems kind of weird to see written out, yeah? And that’s the shame of it all.

There is some research that says that we hard-wired for negativity (negativity bias). Our thoughts are easily distorted. This is likely why it’s harder to believe those examples that I’ve written above, rather than the self-critical or doubtful thoughts that may automatically run through your head when faced with a challenge. Because of this, challenging negative bias and self-criticism requires intentional challenging. We have to work hard to adjust our thought processes and sometimes even enlist the help of a therapist in doing so.

Doing hard things is a necessary part of life. We should be able to thank ourselves and show ourselves appreciation for pushing through moments of discomfort. There doesn’t have to be shame in honoring our hard work.

A lot of us have developed internal self-critical voices. It’s hard to imagine being so soft and gentle in offering ourselves praise. But, you can start small by looking at the mirror today and offering a “thanks for doing that” to yourself this evening.

You need it.

You deserve it.

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