I think this quote encapsulates so much about our struggles in relationships, whether they be romantic, platonic of familial. When we have a deep connection with another person, the emotional stakes are inevitably raised. That is, in part, what makes it so difficult when someone close to us hurts us…or we hurt them.

Crafting the perfect apology is a fallacy. There is no such thing as a perfect apology. One thing that rings true for the listener in one apology might be a minefield for another person. After all, we bring our unique selves and histories with us to every moment of every interaction. However, there are some fundamental relationship “truths” as I call them that will go a long way in making sure someone feels your apology.

First Apologize by Acknowledging the Hurt

First and foremost, we all want to be seen and understood as people. Practicing sympathy is very important in situations where you have to make amends for someone who was hurt as a result of your actions. A big part of having a successful apology is first acknowledging that hurt.  If you see someone who is angry, frustrated, crying or sad because of something that you did, it’s important to honor those emotions by saying something like, “I can tell that you’re upset right now and I’m sorry that you feel that way.” Taking a moment to acknowledge someone else’s pain can be incredibly healing for them in the moment and serve as a helpful foundation as you move forward with your apology.

Apologize by Taking Responsibility

A part of being in a relationship (of any variety) is being able to take responsibility for your actions. When you are attempting to apologize to someone because you hurt them, taking responsibility for your specific behavior is key. “I’m sorry that I hurt you” in and of itself isn’t bad, but for many folks it could be better. Being specific about what behavior you did to negatively impact someone else is key, along with not coming up with a litany of reasons why you did what you did. To take responsibility for your behavior, you can leave out those reasons why unless you are probed further. In most instances, people may even understand your why, but that doesn’t take away any of the hurt. Apologizing isn’t about explaining, it’s about communicating compassion. For example, to make that previous phrase (in an example) even more impactful you may say something like, “I realize that I didn’t return you call in a timely manner and that left you feeling ignored. I should not have done that and I’m sorry that I hurt you.”

Apologize & Keep Your “I” On the Prize

One of the ways in which we inadvertently botch our apologies is that we project our focus back to the person who we are apologizing too. This can lead them to feeling more defensive and can eradicate any good faith effort you’ve put into your apology. That’s why it’s so important to stick to “I” statements as much as possible. In addition to taking responsibility for what you’ve done, communicating from a point of self-reference will be incredibly helpful in helping your conversation partner understand and accept your apology.

As mentioned earlier, there is no fool-proof plan to guarantee a perfect apology but if you take a little time to take some of these themes into consideration I have a feeling that you will definitely be on your way to healing an unintentional wound.

If you’d like to work with a relationship coach in bettering your relationship, contact Viva Wellness to set up an in person or remote session today.

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Myth: Happy couples don’t “fight”.

Reality: We often have an unrealistic expectation about arguments in relationships.

Many believe that happy couples simply don’t argue. This isn’t true! While arguments should never be the predominant way of communicating in any relationship, disagreements are a natural part of sharing your life with someone. While arguments are unavoidable, couples do much better when they learn to fight fair.

Myth: You shouldn’t have to talk about sex with your partner.

Reality: Sex is an essential part of an intimate relationship and requires feedback.

Many people expect for things to “just work” when it comes to sex but the truth is that each person may have very different expectations for sex. It’s essential to talk through the frequency of sex and what kind of sex you like to have most to give you the best chance of sexual satisfaction.

Myth: Men are natural cheaters and can’t control their sexual impulses.

Reality: Most men do not cheat on their partners.

Men are generally more likely to cheat throughout the lifespan than women but the number of men who cheat is nowhere near all, or even the majority. Research has demonstrated that men and women cheat in relatively close percentages at certain periods in life. This changes once people reach 50 years of age, or older. Men cheat in far greater numbers at older ages when compared to women. The cheating gap is widest in older adults.

Myth: Once a cheater, always a cheater.

Reality: This is nothing more than an old cliche that’s been passed down through generations.

While there is some truth to the idea statistically, there are ways to rebuild trust in partnerships and prevent cheating from happening repeatedly. Through ongoing self-reflection, often in therapy, those who have the tendency to stray can avoid the behavior in the future. Additionally, couples therapy provides a healthy space for couples to potentially recover from infidelity and learn to trust again.

Myth: Premarital counseling means your relationship is already doomed.

Reality: It can be difficult to talk through some of the topics that we’ve covered in this article and premarital counseling is a great space to set yourself up for long-term success.

Talking about sex, finances and how to deal with family members are important topics that need to be talked about in order to create a healthy communication dynamic between partners. And even if you don’t plan to attend premarital counseling, there are still a wide range of topics to talk through before the big day.

We hope that these relationship myths and realities help you made wiser choices in your relationship. If you’d like to work with a member of Viva Wellness on relationship coaching, please feel free to reach out to us.

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Have you ever felt yourself getting heated in a discussion with a loved one? There are plenty of hot topics in the world to go around: politics, racial issues, religion, etc. Even pop culture news can end up being pretty contentious topics from time to time. Sometimes having these provocative conversations can leave you or your partner feeling resentful, no matter the topic. But, having arguments doesn’t mean that you have to end a relationship altogether.

Here are some helpful tips to handle arguments in a relationship.

Try Living by the Golden Rule

In any argument in a relationship there should be some basic ground rules no matter what the topic at hand is. My go-tos are to refrain from name-calling and raising your voice no matter how tough the discussion gets. If your goal is to get through the conversation without damaging the relationship beyond repair, following the golden rule of “treat others how you want to be treated” reigns supreme. Unfortunately, many couples find themselves traveling down a slippery slope of name calling and shouting which can lead to really hurtful words. You can’t take those back no matter how hard you try.

Ask yourself, will it matter a few days from now?

A wise friend of mine introduced me to this idea of asking yourself, “Will it matter a few days from now?” as a good screening tool on whether or not to address arguments in a relationship.

Imagine there’s a conversation brewing about how Pluto is no longer considered a planet. Will being right matter to you a week from now? If not, it’s probably best to move on and limit your input in the conversation all together. However, if Pluto’s planetary status has some immediate relevance to your life’s work, you may want to let yourself further advocate for your position.

Handling arguments in a relationship is, in part, deciding what feels worthy of a fight or not. Sometimes waving the white flag in battle is the best choice.

If You Are Worried About Winning & Losing

At some point, you will likely find that you and your verbal sparring partner have somehow devolved into just talking in circles. This is a critical moment in any argument. When the conversation hits that wall, it’s important to stop and ask yourself,”Is winning this argument the most important thing right now?” If winning IS what you’re after, it is definitely time to take a break. Unfortunately, if you are very competitive, winning an argument might bode well for your self-esteem but not necessarily for the stability of your relationship. Nobody likes a sore winner. And if you find yourself focusing on always winning, perhaps therapy might help you find the root of that and work through it.

Call a Time Out

Time outs aren’t just helpful for sports and misbehaving little kids. They’re good for arguments in a relationship too.

When we are in the throes of a highly provocative conversation, we may find ourselves being triggered or reminded of some past relationship issues or complicated, deeper feelings. This is very common! When you find that your body gets more tense and you’re unable to maintain a relaxed-assertive stance, it’s best to put the conversation to rest. If the issue is something that’s destined to linger in your relationship, then pick it back up later when you’re feeling a bit more balanced and rational. Taking a break will do wonders in maintaining the health of your relationship.

It can be incredibly difficult to maintain your cool once you find yourself in a heated discussion that you’re passionate about. However, sometimes we can get too passionate in these moments and lose sight of the bigger picture; that we have a relationship that we would like to hold on to. With these few tips, I hope that you see that there is a way to “win” in every argument.  Ultimately, you want to be able to foster a relationship that promotes honesty and healthy disagreement. If you choose to honor the relationship between you and your conversation partner above all else, you will win every argument, guaranteed.

If you’re looking to work with a relationship coach to build your communication skills, visit Viva Wellness to join our mailing list for more information on how to work with us!

An earlier version of this post appeared on the Good Men Project.

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