Here’s the tweet:

MANY PEOPLE WERE NOT HAPPY.

Many said the text was too stiff. Some people said many other problematic things…it is Twitter after all.

I am still surprised by the reaction.

It’s OK to Set a Boundary with a Loved One

Does this (originally offered as a template/example to be adapted) message come off very stiff? SURE. But, it’s also a template. The one thing that I noticed about the reactions was the apparent difficulty people have with saying “no” to their friends or loved ones when they felt like they can’t be supportive.

I want to be clear. It’s OK to say “no” or “I want to, but I can’t help now, but am free/able later”.

Being able to be fully present and supportive to someone takes a lot of mental energy. If you’re not up to the task to really be helpful, then postponing can be a helpful way of letting your friend know that you care and want to help but just aren’t able to at the moment.

When someone reaches out for support, you may not be able to be as helpful as you want to right then. You might be working or you could be dealing with your own depression or anxiety. You might be tapped out because your job takes a lot out of you emotionally (hello, fellow therapists!).

It’s OK to set the boundary that is in the spirit of that initial tweet. It doesn’t make you a bad person to say, “I want to help but can’t right now. I’ll follow up you tomorrow.”

Setting a Boundary is Healthy For Your Relationship

Odds are your unavailability for the moment might be hurtful to your friend in the moment. That doesn’t mean it’s the wrong choice. And, ultimately, setting that boundary will serve your relationship better in the long run. It will make the relationship healthier.

We are not able to be all things to all people all the time.

When you’re not able to actually be supportive and ready to listen it’s much better to let people know that instead of forcing yourself to be there and performing your support not so wholeheartedly. We can feel when someone isn’t really there with us too, right? Sometimes that is almost worse. It makes that support feel unauthentic. I would argue that is when we really start to feel like burdens to other people.

Does this message verbatim have to be the way you set your boundary or limit? Absolutely not. Find the words that feel more natural to you. Talk to your friend (or partner, parent, etc.) in the way that you normally do. But, don’t be afraid to offer yourself the same care and thoughtfulness when you really need a moment to gather yourself too.

You’ll both be better for it.

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Surprise! There’s no universal line to cross (or not cross)

When it comes to relationships, much of the dissatisifcation that we encounter is often due to unexplored expectations. It’s dangerous territory for maintaining intimacy.

We all come to relationships with a set of values and experiences that shape us. Beliefs about relationship boundaries and needs are passed down from the models in our lives. This could be from parents or other family members, friends, and even references in TV and movies. We learn how to relate to other people by relating to those closest to us, and watching how they relate to others. We learn about intimate relationships largely during our youth by watching the adults in our lives and how they interact with one another. The tricky part is, we all have very different experiences in those early family environments.

Even if we come from the same group (such as a cultural group) these messages can differ by family or local community. Given that, everyone has different lines on what’s acceptable in a relationship or not.

And when it comes to what constitutes cheating, the lines may be more blurred than you might think.

Internet culture has changed how we view cheating

Now not only do we enter relationships with different belief systems (as we always have) but we also enter relationships in an era where connectivity online is almost ubiquitous. This means we all have differing views on what our boundaries online might look like.

In years past, the lines of cheating may have been a bit simpler. Now we must consider how our behavior online might fall within, or outside of, the boundaries of our relationship. Sure, having sex with another person (while in a monogamous relationship) is a definable line in the sand. What about those random thirst follows on Instagram? Does it matter if the person is a public figure versus a “normal” person? Do friendly DMs cross the line?

What about grabbing coffee with a coworker alone?

Boundaries start with a conversation… or many…

Defining boundaries in a relationship is an intentional conversation between partners. Sure, you won’t be able to imagine any and all situations in which your boundaries might be crossed, but it’s important to get ahead of the lines around cheating before any problems arise.

It’s important to have these conversations with your partner with compassion and understanding. This can be especially hard when you’ve been hurt in the past or experienced cheating before. However, it’s important to remember (as I mentioned earlier) that everyone has different beliefs and values about their relationship boundaries. Given that, it’s important to approach this conversation with an open mind and an intent to collaborate on defining the boundaries for your new relationship. Relationship boundaries are a negotiation and no partner should be left feeling controlled or manipulated.

And one conversation may not do it. It’s OK if the conversation about boundaries takes place over the course of many conversations. Boundaries these days can be a moving target, especially as technology evolves and many more people explore different relationship structures.

It’s about finding what works for you & your partner(s)

Defining a relationship inherently defines what constitutes cheating. It’s always health to talk about your desires and concerns transparently. Ultimately, doing so will give you the ability to create the kind of relationship (with its boundaries) that feels right for you and your partner(s).

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No two couples are the same. Each pairing will have its own issues and concerns to work through, however there are some common themes you may want to consider this season to survive the holidays as a couple.

Plan ahead

Whether this means months in advance or just a few days, planning is an essential component to managing the stress of the holidays. It is important that you make your plans work for you. This is true for both individuals and couples.

The tricky part about being a part of a couple is considering another person’s schedule and responsibilities in addition to your own. This can be especially tedious if you don’t live together and generally have separate day-to-day lives. Sit down for a planning meeting to suss out travel itineraries as much as you can ahead of time to avoid a last-minute rush and potential disputes.

Prepare for the holiday arguments

As many of us know, the holidays tend to bring on a lot of stress for folks. It’s a time of high pressure for many of us (been there, done that!). Between satisfying work deadlines and obligations to managing your family’s wants or expectations, it can be overwhelming. Tensions tend to run a bit high. Given that, it’s almost inevitable that you’re going to find yourself in an argument at one point or another as a couple.

Perhaps you typically might be able to navigate the point of conflict with a lot more patience and grace. But, during the holidays stress will be higher than normal. The same probably can’t be said for your capacity and time to cope and recover. You’ll also likely be out of your normal routine to some extent. Do your best to have a productive argument and fight fair to ensure that the impact of this argument won’t be felt for a long time to come.

Communicate, communicate, communicate

One thread you may have noticed throughout this post is the need for COMMUNICATION. Not communicating effectively is one of the biggest problems in relationships. It’s something that I see often in my work with individuals or couples when working through relationship issues in therapy or coaching sessions.

Talking through the holidays and your expectations for them are essential to surviving the holidays with your relationship in tact. Set aside some special time to connect and talk through all the components and your process to minimize potential miscommunication and unspoken expectations from entering the picture. Some questions to consider together are:

• What are you thinking you would like your plans for the holidays to be?
• How would you feel about spending the holidays together?
• What obligations are typical for you around this time of year?
• What is does your ideal holiday time look like? How would you most want to spend your time?

These questions can be a good starting off point to a bigger, and more detailed, conversation that will ultimately put you in a much better place to survive the holidays with your relationship in tact.

Preparation and communication are two very important keys to making the holidays a successful, good time. Those ideals, along with an extra bit of patience and compassion, will help keep your relationship together so that you can move into the next year without anger and resentment.

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While the following standards are true for all kinds of relationships, these warning signs are common indicators that you are in a toxic friendship.

You Always Feel Drained (and Bad) After Hanging Out

This can be a tricky one to discern, especially for introverts who often feel worn out by social interaction (yes, even with close friends). But if you find yourself chronically feeling down or frustrated after spending time with your friend then it might be a toxic friendship.

All relationships have to have an element of reciprocity. That is not to say that all relationships are transactional (that’s a post for another day) however healthy relationships require you to both give AND receive. This may not be in the same amounts or in the same way, however this exchange of energy, love and care is a requirement for a healthy friendship. If you don’t often feel this way with a friend then it could mean that you’re not having your needs met by the friendship and the friendship could be harming you.

They Don’t Support Your Goals

If you have a friend that always seems like a “Debbie Downer” when you talk about your hopes, dreams and goals then it’s likely that the friendship is toxic. Healthy friendships are based on based on mutual desire to see the other succeed in all areas of life, even if one of you isn’t quite where they want to be.

While we all may experience jealousy or envy from time to time (after all these are normal emotions) they can wreak havoc on a friendship. If you find yourself hating your friend’s partner (who is otherwise good to your friend) it might be time to spend some quality time with yourself to heal personal wounds that may be negatively impacting your relationship. If your friend makes a commitment to run an ultra-marathon (which you could never fathom doing) and you can’t seem to think or feel positively about it, ask yourself what really is that’s bothering you about the goal.

Of course, it’s naive to think that we are going to agree with everything that our friends do. That’s not the point!. But, if you’re always looking at their choices negatively then chances are it’s you with the problem, not them.

You See Them Less and Less

One of the tell-tale signs that a friendship has become toxic is if you notice you’re spending less and less time together. If you find that you see your friend less and less over time, it could be an indicator that the relationship has become a toxic friendship slowly over time. Often times, frustration, disappointment and resentment build up slowly over time causing a small rift to develop into a deep chasm.  Of course, there are certain instances where circumstances create barriers to connecting or spending time with your friends, that’s OK. But when that distance is coupled with negative feelings like resentment, jealousy, anger, etc. then it’s likely that there’s more to the story of the dissolving connection.

All relationships come with their ups and downs. As a therapist, I believe that almost all relationship issues can be worked out. If you find yourself in a toxic friendship, take some time to do a bit of self-exploration. Consider how you got there and how each of the parties involved might have contributed to the separation. If there is still deep care there, and both parties are open, there may be real hope for reunification. An apology to someone you’ve hurt is a great start to a healing process. It will take some work but true friendship is worth it.

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What is the silent treatment?

The silent treatment is generally self-explanatory. It’s about avoiding contact with someone, typically when you feel that you’ve been wronged or disrespected. The communication strategy is often used to punish or provoke a reaction in the target. That is, if you feel hurt by a friend’s comment, you might then employ the silent treatment as a way to remove your presence for this person in an attempt to punish them. Your motivation may also lie in the desire for the target to respond in a way that affirms that they were hurt by your silence or missing presence. Often the silent treatment is about enacting revenge on someone who hurt you.

And while revenge might sound dramatic, when we are hurt by someone and then choose to hurt them that’s exactly what we’re doing…getting revenge. And, let me be clear we all have our moments in relationships like this. After fall, we are human. The best we can do is learn about ourselves and how we might be using this poor communication tactic and try to do better. When you know better you can do better.

What the silent treatment is NOT

Many people confuse setting boundaries with the silent treatment. Therefore, to better understand what the silent treatment isn’t, it’s helpful to better understand what boundaries are.

Boundaries, in healthy communication, are intentional blocks to prevent ongoing hurt and abuse. An example might be, ending a phone call with someone who is calling you names or otherwise being abusive. That’s not the way to handle arguments in a relationship.  Setting a boundary could also look like communicating to your partner that you need a time out to discuss your relationship concern at a designated time later. By contrast, ghosting is an example of an unhealthy and abusive boundary, especially in the context of an ongoing relationship. It’s the silent treatment for the digital age.

Our relationships are best served when boundaries are communicated assertively and with full transparency. Moreover, setting a boundary means you have to let the other person know that you’re setting the boundary and adjusting the relationship. If you’re not communicating the need for a boundary explicitly with your words then that boundary setting is actually the silent treatment and it’s more harmful than you think.

The Blurred Lines of Communication

I often get asked the question, “Well what happens when you communicate with someone over and over again about a boundary that they keep crossing? What if they don’t listen?!” You might tell them about your need for space and they just don’t listen. Or, they keep doing the undesirable behavior and you’re frustrated and fed up with the nonsense. It’s easy then to go silent and just opt out. After all, we can only take so much!

In those moments, I think it’s important to not only ask “why is this person doing this?” but more so “what makes me continue to put up with this?”

Talking about your true emotions is incredibly difficult. It’s hard work. There are times that I still struggle with sharing how I feel with those around me. The thing is, we only hurt ourselves when we don’t express what’s really going on in our hearts and minds. If we rely on the silent treatment to communicate hurt or anger we are not at our best. We can’t have the best relationships possible if the silent treatment is always on deck as a tool. Pushing through the fear of vulnerability is necessary to combat the silent treatment and the way it damages our relationships. Being assertive and forthcoming is always the healthier route in communication even when the allure of the silent treatment and emotional refuge calls to us. It might work for the moment but it will never be productive in the long-term.

This is not an indictment but a call to action

We are human, therefore we are not perfect. It’s OK to have slip ups and find yourself getting silent when you’re feeling overwhelmed with emotion. Do what you can to catch it and practice sharing your need for some space.

The silent treatment is opting out of communication. It only builds resentment and destroys relationships. Every healthy relationship, whether it’s familial, platonic or romantic requires communication. So the next time when you feel yourself leaning into the silent treatment ask yourself, am I at my best? How can I communicate better?

We’ve all got room to improve. Staying silent won’t help.

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I think this quote encapsulates so much about our struggles in relationships, whether they be romantic, platonic of familial. When we have a deep connection with another person, the emotional stakes are inevitably raised. That is, in part, what makes it so difficult when someone close to us hurts us…or we hurt them.

Crafting the perfect apology is a fallacy. There is no such thing as a perfect apology. One thing that rings true for the listener in one apology might be a minefield for another person. After all, we bring our unique selves and histories with us to every moment of every interaction. However, there are some fundamental relationship “truths” as I call them that will go a long way in making sure someone feels your apology.

First Apologize by Acknowledging the Hurt

First and foremost, we all want to be seen and understood as people. Practicing sympathy is very important in situations where you have to make amends for someone who was hurt as a result of your actions. A big part of having a successful apology is first acknowledging that hurt.  If you see someone who is angry, frustrated, crying or sad because of something that you did, it’s important to honor those emotions by saying something like, “I can tell that you’re upset right now and I’m sorry that you feel that way.” Taking a moment to acknowledge someone else’s pain can be incredibly healing for them in the moment and serve as a helpful foundation as you move forward with your apology.

Apologize by Taking Responsibility

A part of being in a relationship (of any variety) is being able to take responsibility for your actions. When you are attempting to apologize to someone because you hurt them, taking responsibility for your specific behavior is key. “I’m sorry that I hurt you” in and of itself isn’t bad, but for many folks it could be better. Being specific about what behavior you did to negatively impact someone else is key, along with not coming up with a litany of reasons why you did what you did. To take responsibility for your behavior, you can leave out those reasons why unless you are probed further. In most instances, people may even understand your why, but that doesn’t take away any of the hurt. Apologizing isn’t about explaining, it’s about communicating compassion. For example, to make that previous phrase (in an example) even more impactful you may say something like, “I realize that I didn’t return you call in a timely manner and that left you feeling ignored. I should not have done that and I’m sorry that I hurt you.”

Apologize & Keep Your “I” On the Prize

One of the ways in which we inadvertently botch our apologies is that we project our focus back to the person who we are apologizing too. This can lead them to feeling more defensive and can eradicate any good faith effort you’ve put into your apology. That’s why it’s so important to stick to “I” statements as much as possible. In addition to taking responsibility for what you’ve done, communicating from a point of self-reference will be incredibly helpful in helping your conversation partner understand and accept your apology.

As mentioned earlier, there is no fool-proof plan to guarantee a perfect apology but if you take a little time to take some of these themes into consideration I have a feeling that you will definitely be on your way to healing an unintentional wound.

If you’d like to work with a relationship coach in bettering your relationship, contact Viva Wellness to set up an in person or remote session today.

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Myth: Happy couples don’t “fight”.

Reality: We often have an unrealistic expectation about arguments in relationships.

Many believe that happy couples simply don’t argue. This isn’t true! While arguments should never be the predominant way of communicating in any relationship, disagreements are a natural part of sharing your life with someone. While arguments are unavoidable, couples do much better when they learn to fight fair.

Myth: You shouldn’t have to talk about sex with your partner.

Reality: Sex is an essential part of an intimate relationship and requires feedback.

Many people expect for things to “just work” when it comes to sex but the truth is that each person may have very different expectations for sex. It’s essential to talk through the frequency of sex and what kind of sex you like to have most to give you the best chance of sexual satisfaction.

Myth: Men are natural cheaters and can’t control their sexual impulses.

Reality: Most men do not cheat on their partners.

Men are generally more likely to cheat throughout the lifespan than women but the number of men who cheat is nowhere near all, or even the majority. Research has demonstrated that men and women cheat in relatively close percentages at certain periods in life. This changes once people reach 50 years of age, or older. Men cheat in far greater numbers at older ages when compared to women. The cheating gap is widest in older adults.

Myth: Once a cheater, always a cheater.

Reality: This is nothing more than an old cliche that’s been passed down through generations.

While there is some truth to the idea statistically, there are ways to rebuild trust in partnerships and prevent cheating from happening repeatedly. Through ongoing self-reflection, often in therapy, those who have the tendency to stray can avoid the behavior in the future. Additionally, couples therapy provides a healthy space for couples to potentially recover from infidelity and learn to trust again.

Myth: Premarital counseling means your relationship is already doomed.

Reality: It can be difficult to talk through some of the topics that we’ve covered in this article and premarital counseling is a great space to set yourself up for long-term success.

Talking about sex, finances and how to deal with family members are important topics that need to be talked about in order to create a healthy communication dynamic between partners. And even if you don’t plan to attend premarital counseling, there are still a wide range of topics to talk through before the big day.

We hope that these relationship myths and realities help you made wiser choices in your relationship. If you’d like to work with a member of Viva Wellness on relationship coaching, please feel free to reach out to us.

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Have you ever felt yourself getting heated in a discussion with a loved one? There are plenty of hot topics in the world to go around: politics, racial issues, religion, etc. Even pop culture news can end up being pretty contentious topics from time to time. Sometimes having these provocative conversations can leave you or your partner feeling resentful, no matter the topic. But, having arguments doesn’t mean that you have to end a relationship altogether.

Here are some helpful tips to handle arguments in a relationship.

Try Living by the Golden Rule

In any argument in a relationship there should be some basic ground rules no matter what the topic at hand is. My go-tos are to refrain from name-calling and raising your voice no matter how tough the discussion gets. If your goal is to get through the conversation without damaging the relationship beyond repair, following the golden rule of “treat others how you want to be treated” reigns supreme. Unfortunately, many couples find themselves traveling down a slippery slope of name calling and shouting which can lead to really hurtful words. You can’t take those back no matter how hard you try.

Ask yourself, will it matter a few days from now?

A wise friend of mine introduced me to this idea of asking yourself, “Will it matter a few days from now?” as a good screening tool on whether or not to address arguments in a relationship.

Imagine there’s a conversation brewing about how Pluto is no longer considered a planet. Will being right matter to you a week from now? If not, it’s probably best to move on and limit your input in the conversation all together. However, if Pluto’s planetary status has some immediate relevance to your life’s work, you may want to let yourself further advocate for your position.

Handling arguments in a relationship is, in part, deciding what feels worthy of a fight or not. Sometimes waving the white flag in battle is the best choice.

If You Are Worried About Winning & Losing

At some point, you will likely find that you and your verbal sparring partner have somehow devolved into just talking in circles. This is a critical moment in any argument. When the conversation hits that wall, it’s important to stop and ask yourself,”Is winning this argument the most important thing right now?” If winning IS what you’re after, it is definitely time to take a break. Unfortunately, if you are very competitive, winning an argument might bode well for your self-esteem but not necessarily for the stability of your relationship. Nobody likes a sore winner. And if you find yourself focusing on always winning, perhaps therapy might help you find the root of that and work through it.

Call a Time Out

Time outs aren’t just helpful for sports and misbehaving little kids. They’re good for arguments in a relationship too.

When we are in the throes of a highly provocative conversation, we may find ourselves being triggered or reminded of some past relationship issues or complicated, deeper feelings. This is very common! When you find that your body gets more tense and you’re unable to maintain a relaxed-assertive stance, it’s best to put the conversation to rest. If the issue is something that’s destined to linger in your relationship, then pick it back up later when you’re feeling a bit more balanced and rational. Taking a break will do wonders in maintaining the health of your relationship.

It can be incredibly difficult to maintain your cool once you find yourself in a heated discussion that you’re passionate about. However, sometimes we can get too passionate in these moments and lose sight of the bigger picture; that we have a relationship that we would like to hold on to. With these few tips, I hope that you see that there is a way to “win” in every argument.  Ultimately, you want to be able to foster a relationship that promotes honesty and healthy disagreement. If you choose to honor the relationship between you and your conversation partner above all else, you will win every argument, guaranteed.

If you’re looking to work with a relationship coach to build your communication skills, visit Viva Wellness to join our mailing list for more information on how to work with us!

An earlier version of this post appeared on the Good Men Project.

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