And as always, please leave a rating and review on iTunes and share your thoughts with us on Instagram and Twitter @vivawellnessnyc. 

Related reading:
The Myth of the Falling Uterus

People to follow:

Naomi Osaka @naomiosaka

Caster Semenya @castersemenya800m

Adrianne Haslet @adriannehaslet

Brave like Gabe/Gabriele Grunewald @bravelikegabe

Diana Nyad @diananyad

Lauren Fleshman @fleshmanflyer

Nikki Hiltz @nikkihiltz

Amelia Boone @arboone11

Alysia Montaño @alysiamontano

Mary Cain @runmarycain

Tatyana McFadden @tatyanamcfaddenusa

Kara Goucher @karagoucher

Tianna Bartoletta @tianna.bartoletta

Allyson Felix @af85

Megan Rapinoe @mrapinoe

Serena Williams @serenawilliams

Sue Bird @sbird10

The post Episode 45 of the Viva Wellness Podcast is LIVE! appeared first on .

Even if a deserted island isn’t in your future, you might still be feeling like you just want a time out. That’s a common feeling even in more “normal” times, and yet, so many of us are awful at actually taking them.

How do you know when you’re just having a bad day as opposed to really needing to take time off that’s above and beyond your usual?

Like everything else, this is very dependent on your specific situation. But as much as it’s possible to generalize, here are three signs that you should look out for.

You’re not sleeping.

I actually don’t know many grown people who don’t experience some kind of insomnia or difficulty sleeping. Being a person is hard, so relaxation is hard. Not to mention there aren’t, and have never been, enough hours in the day. So I’m not talking about if you generally only get 6-7 hours of sleep, or wake up in the middle of the night. If that’s your norm, that’s your norm. A sign that you need a break is that your sleep has gotten even WORSE than whatever it normally is. The difference doesn’t have to be massive (think waking up in the middle of the night but it taking longer to fall back asleep), but if you’ve noticed a change for the worse that’s not going away any time soon – it’s time for a break.

You’re irritable.

This isn’t just “I’m living through a pandemic and that is annoying” irritable. We’ve all got that going on. If you find yourself going from zero to sixty on the anger scale when your partner spills something or your kids are a little too loud (you know, day to day annoyances!), it’s a good idea to check in with yourself. We all have a limit, and when you’ve reached yours, you’re there. The only way out of that space is to take some time to recharge.

The usual pick me ups aren’t working.

If ice cream, a good exercise class, or your favorite TV show usually kick you out of a funk, but you’ve done all of the above and still feel awful, it’s time to take more drastic measures. It’s a great idea to have an “emotional toolbox” full of things that can get you back on track when life’s nonsense gets thrown at you, but even those tools aren’t magic. At some point, you need to do more. Think of it like your daily vitamins. You take them to ward off illness and stay healthy, but every once in a while, you need to reach for the Tylenol or DayQuil. This is the same, except you’re reaching for some TIME TO YOURSELF FINALLY instead.

“But I don’t have time to take a break!!”

I hear you. The ability to take the time you need away from your daily responsibilities to recharge and feel more like yourself is a privilege. Not all of us have it.

Some break is better than no break. Even if you can’t take the entire weekend off like you might want to, try an hour. It’s not perfect, but it’s better than resigning yourself to being perpetually exhausted because you can’t have the ideal time away.

Do what you can, when you can. That can absolutely be enough.

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Mental illness is not a choice.

Mental illness is not a choice. By definition, mental illnesses are conditions that cause people distress – that is, they cause disruptions to someone’s daily life and functioning. No one chooses to struggle with maintaining their mental health and no one would choose a mental illness. But, acceptance of living with a mental illness is often necessary to finding a healthier path forward through support and treatment.

You are not addicted to suffering.

Similar to the myth about choice, we as humans also aren’t “addicted” to suffering. Often times this is something that you’ll hear come out of the mouths of people who are otherwise supportive and want the best for their loved one who is struggling with some mental health issue. It’s also common to hear when someone is dealing with a toxic relationship or otherwise negative habit someone has a hard time changing. This addiction belief undermines very real barriers to change such as dealing with trauma and the concept of secondary gain (more on this in a later post).

Not all people with mental health conditions take medication to manage symptoms.

Many people living with mental health conditions do take medications to manage their mental health issues. That doesn’t mean that everyone does though. There is not one right path to health and its up to the individual to decide what path makes the most sense for them and their lifestyle. Some people will use a variety of methods for support such as medication, therapy, lifestyle changes, spiritual support and so forth.

Some mental illnesses are beyond help.

Unfortunately, this is an idea that I’ve come across in everyday people and some professionals alike (scary, I know). But the evidence is clear, with the right support any person living with a mental health condition can see meaningful progress. That meaningful progress, defined on an individual’s terms, can mean the difference between a life of suffering and a quality of life aligned with their personal goals.

If you’re living with a mental illness, you are not alone.

When we’re struggling in our darkest moments it’s hard to believe that there are many other people out there going through similar thoughts and feelings, but they are! 1 in 5 adults experience a mental illness in a given year, and that’s in the United States alone. Finding solidarity, and leaning on others with similar concerns, can be an incredibly important part of making it through.

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John Sterling Calls (on Twitter) 

Stumpy: the Labrador is a Hero for Other Dogs

Rachel Wyman (Montclair Bread Co.) on Ali on the Run Podcast

The post Episode 44 of The Viva Wellness Podcast is live! appeared first on .

Like I said, tragedy. I was beyond angry. I didn’t let it go for a least an hour, and that’s being generous to myself. It was probably longer.

Now, if you aren’t a huge fan of peaches or fruit or food, you’re probably thinking this was an overreaction of epic proportions. Maybe you’re thinking that even if you ARE a fan of peaches, fruit, or food. If my freak out was really about not eating a peach, you’d be right.

Except, it’s never just about the peach.

I’d bet that this story reminds a lot of you about an argument you had with a family member, friend, or significant other. You’re suddenly being yelled at because your socks are on the floor, and while that might be annoying, you’re unsure why it’s caused such a strong reaction. You forgot to respond to a text, and you’re getting snarky comments back for the rest of the day. It’s a natural reaction to think nothing except “WHY?!”.

Enter: The Magic Question.

This is what you ask yourself, or someone else, when the reaction doesn’t at all seem to match what’s happening.

“What is this really about?”

My day wasn’t actually ruined by a peach in and of itself, despite how much I really do like peaches. It was ruined by the fact that I already had felt like a lot had been taken from me, nothing was going the way I wanted to, and things were out of my control. Feel free to nod along if you too have been victimized by 2020. The peach was my last straw. “I can’t have a normal summer AND I can’t even have a peach?!”. It makes a little more sense now, right?

That’s why it’s The Magic Question.

It gets to the heart of what’s actually going on for you, so you can give yourself what you really need rather than being stuck on the surface level problem. The question allows you to talk to the person you’re having an argument with about the heart of the issue, rather than something as trivial as socks or a text message. It also leads to meaningful conversations rather than infuriating disagreements. Pretty great, right?!

Write it down, memorize it, ask it often. It’s even more magical than that whole pulling a rabbit out of a hat thing. Promise.

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Why is empathy important?

I would argue that empathy is one of our greatest challenges in society right now. We have political leaders who stoke the flames of hostility and we’re losing friends (and even family members) due to their lack of empathy for others who are unlike them. Empathy is a societal ill and frankly it’s tearing us apart.

Empathy is important because it help us put ourselves in the shoes of “the other” (not in just a privileged/underprivileged person’s sense). It helps us connect meaningfully with someone who isn’t a part of our internal world. We don’t assume that person’s thoughts or feelings. Empathy is the mechanism by which we can more fully understand another person’s experiences in their fullness. While we can never comprehensively understand someone else’s perceptions, empathy is the curiosity by which we close that gap. In those moments, we put our assumptions, filters and perceptions aside to learn from the other. This often leads to the feeling of empathy – putting yourself in the other person’s shoes.

The implications on our lives

On a large scale, practicing empathy helps us elect leaders who understand the challenges and plights of those who are different from them. Empathy helps cisgender people understand the challenges of walking in the world as a trans person. Empathy helps us advocate for access to adequate access and housing for trans people. Empathy affords male lawmakers the opportunity to address violence against women, which turns into the Violence Against Women Act. Empathy is what allows white folks the ability to advocate against police brutality. It is what allows us to see the reality of our collective truth – in order to survive we need to ride together.

In our personal lives empathy has a tremendous impact on relationships. It allows us to understand a partner’s traumas and pain points that rear their ugly heads from time to time. Empathy allows us to forgive narcissistic parents, and set up boundaries that help us feel safer. Empathy allows us to pick up the slack from our coworker who is in the middle of a personal crisis that we talked about over lunch one day.

While we are in a crisis of empathy these days, we can counteract violent, individualist rhetoric by taking concrete action.

How to put empathy into action

Spend time involved in the lives of others

One of the most important things that you can do to cultivate empathy is spend time with people who are different than you. Of course, you should not just seek out a token “Black friend” or “gay friend.” But, it is important to get out of your echo chamber to better understand the lives of others. Spending time with people who are different from you will help you move beyond the stereotypes manipulated by the headlines, and see people for who they truly are.

Be curious

As you move further out into a different world also be sure to be curious about the people that you meet. Ask questions and reflect honesty in your conversations. Try not to make assumptions based on your own life’s experiences. You don’t have to erase your beliefs, but it’s important to use them to check in about someone else’s experience.

Acknowledge on what you have in common

By better understanding what things we have in common with “the other” (as opposed to the Self) we breathe life into empathy and compassion. It’s easier than ever to feel disconnected these days. What if you instead chose to seek out similarities and build from there? You can build empathy by focusing on the things you have in common, rather than obsessing over apparent differences.

Developing empathy doesn’t come naturally for everyone and that’s OK. The good news it is a skill that we can all work on – maybe even in therapy! It can help us better understand our partners. Empathy can help us use our voice to advocate for the less fortunate. We can use empathy elect leaders who seek to care of the entire population, not just one privileged subset.

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Rightfully so, it’s led to a lot of conversations about how people can be allies and how we can be more sensitive to people who experience a different reality in this society.

I’ve seen so many ideas thrown around, including education through reading books, attending events, and everyone’s go to: Google! I think all of those provide amazing background information, and it’s a great place to start if you’re brand new to all of this. There are some great resources that can educate you on history, define various terminology, as well as provide background to some of what’s going on today.

But what’s next? Once you do the research, how can you keep applying it to day to day life?

For starters, the work is ongoing. This isn’t like when you were in high school and you take a test on Calculus (or whatever subject we were taught but most of us never actually had to care about again) and then forget everything the minute you walk out the door. There’s no end to any of this interpersonal work. It’s a lifelong journey.

A lot of the “what’s next?” is about nuance and individual situations. How do you apply the knowledge of systemic injustice to day to day situations? As a person of the “majority” group, it can be incredibly difficult for you to be aware of EVERYTHING someone else experiences – if not impossible.

The best way for you to get as close as possible? Talk to people.

Now, let me put a VERY IMPORTANT disclaimer on this. I don’t mean go solicit strangers who are Black, members of the LGBTQ+ community, women, etc. to educate you on their experience or tell you their thoughts about what happened throughout their day and how it might relate to injustice. I also don’t mean go out and find a Black friend just for the sake of “having a Black friend”. That’s called tokenism! Look it up. (Jk, just click the link I did it for you).

Instead, take a look at your relationships.

Who do you spend your time with? Think of your five closest friends or family members. How are they different from you or from each other? How are they the same? If your similarities list is much longer than the differences, why is that?

One of the best ways I’ve continued the work on social justice issues is to listen to the experiences of people around me who come from different backgrounds and have different experiences when they walk out of their front doors.

Does my immigrant husband speak for every single man of color? Of course not. Our conversations around these issues, however, can help me understand where my perspectives are biased or aspects of situations that I just didn’t see. I’m then more aware of how I can be mindful of looking at the bigger picture in the future, or how my actions are contributing to injustice.

Again, don’t practice tokenism!

I just felt like that needed to be said again, sorry. But if the people who are YOUR people aren’t very diverse, it’s time to look at why that might be. Do you need to expand the spaces you spend time in? Is it that you tend to gravitate towards people who look like you, and if so, how can you be mindful to expand your circle? Are you spending time in communities and organizations that aren’t accessible to people of color? If so, are you okay with that?

If you’re already starting to think about how you can help and be more aware as an ally, that’s great. Just make sure you’re also looking inward at your own relationships as well. Are you getting perspectives on a regular basis from people who don’t have the same experience as you? If the answer is no, that’s a great place to start. (No tokenism though! Okay I’m done I swear bye)

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This week, Rachel and Jor-El are joined by Rebecca Soffer, the co-founder of Modern Loss. Modern Loss is a community of people living with grief (basically everyone in the world) that offers space to honor the pain, absurdity and humor in the grieving process.

We hope you find refuge in this conversation.Please share your thoughts on grief with us on Instagram and Twitter @vivawellnessnyc and feel free to leave a rating and review on iTunes.

You can follow up with Modern Loss at www.modernloss.com and on all the social media channels at @modernloss.

Related reading:

How to Speak Grief

We Need to Have An Honest Conversation About Grief

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Suicide is Difficult to Talk About

Suicide is really difficult to talk about. It’s a scary topic, and I say that to you as a therapist who has helped people navigate suicidal thoughts and attempts in my line of work. This stuff is really scary to think about, and out of fear of doing something wrong or just being uncomfortable we tend to shy away from the topic altogether. I hope today’s post will help chip away at that.

As much as mental health and emotional issues are stigmatized in society, suicide is even more taboo. From the myths of “white-knuckling” through pain and cliches about our ability to withstand anything and never-ending resilience, the reality is that those kinds of statements and ideas unintentionally reinforce stigma. And that means that many people suffer in silence. They suffer internally with their own deep pain while sometimes faking it for the sake of loved ones, friends and coworkers. Those cliches reinforce shame about feeling tired of existing and living through so much pain. Suicidal thoughts thrive in that shame.

That’s why Suicide Prevention Month exists. Its goal is to help de-mystify what suicide is, how common it is and how we can prevent it. While it is scary to think about and potentially talk about, consider how much you help shine a light into where that shame lives in someone’s heart by simply having the courage to talk about it. It’s one way we can all play an important role in preventing suicide.

No. Asking someone doesn’t give them the idea to attempt suicide.

One of the suicide myths that comes up most often is the fear that we’ll give someone who is hurting the idea to plan their suicide if we ask them about it. That’s simply not true! Asking someone about their suicidal thoughts is one of the most helpful things you can do to prevent suicide.

There’s a lot of stigma as it relates to suicidal thoughts, despite many people having some experience with them throughout the course of their lives. These kind of thoughts, whether passive or active, are more common than you might think. But, that doesn’t make them any less concerning.

If we ask someone, “Are you considering suicide?” we’re not somehow convincing someone to take the ultimate choice to end their pain. Chances are, this might have been something they’ve already thought of but just haven’t felt the capacity to speak up about. As scary as it is to ask that question, and those moments before the answer may seem like light years, by asking you’re actually doing something very important. You’re letting your loved one know that you’re at least trying to be there and listen to them, no matter how extreme their pain might be. Asking someone if they’re considering suicide is not an affront, it’s an act of care.

I know that’s likely hard to believe and maybe you’ve asked someone before and had them react really harshly. That might happen. However, when someone is in their most difficult times having someone acknowledge the depth of their pain sends the message, “I see you’re hurting and I want to help.” And, if you’ve experienced incredibly dark periods with your mental health, then you know how most often we really want to be seen and listened to. You know the power of someone taking even just a moment to check in. Those moments are often the ones that help save lives.

Resources to Share with Loved Ones (Or Use Yourself)

If we continue to be open with our loved ones and actively engage in actions that show them we’re there for support no matter what, then we open the door for greater emotional safety. We position ourselves as sources of support, rather than barriers to healing.

If you, or a loved one, are struggling with suicidal thoughts please check out the resources below. And this month, as we try to de-stigmatize the tragedy of suicide, share this article and these resources online. You never know who you might help.

For more support in exploring suicidal thoughts with someone you love (and read about warning signs visit the NAMI page on Risk of Suicide).

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273 TALK (8255)

National Alliance for Mental Illness (NAMI) Crisis Text Line NAMI to 741-741 

Translifeline 877-565-8860

Trevor Project 1-866-488-7386

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Our brains are hardwired to be negative?

Unfortunately, it seems that our brains are more hard wired for negative and self-critical thinking. There is some theory that suggests that this focus on the negative is born out of our biological need for survival (think protecting your family from rival tribes or saber-toothed tigers?). Critical thinking is an adaptive survival strategy that helps us avoid destruction. This is called our negativity bias.

This mechanism helps us protect ourselves against impending threats to our survival. It also helps us to look at ambiguous data with skepticism. This allows us to air on the side of caution, thus upping our chances for survival or escaping from a difficult situation unscathed. A harmful byproduct is that it also makes us prone to self-criticism. If we could just know, and do better, then we’d be able to avoid pain altogether, right?!

It doesn’t quite work that way. Life is rarely that simple.

Unfortunately, we pay a hefty psychological price when we continually focus on our negative attributes or the ways in which we fail. When we allow our brains to run wild, we tend to think of all the negative choices we made, and by extension, how we aren’t smart or thoughtful enough to make the “right” choices. This negative bias, ultimately, makes our self-esteem suffer. In result, we increase the incidence of anxious feelings, depressive moods and self-critical thoughts. Our inner voice becomes our inner bully.

ENOUGH!

It’s time to silence that inner bully

Just consider what could happen if that inner voice of yours was a little less of a bully. How might you feel differently? Would you feel less worried, or less pressured, on a regular basis about making the right choice? How could you walk in the world differently if you’re weren’t always considering the ways you may fail or make a choice that ultimately leads to pain and suffering?

For many people, changing that internal voice is something that happens over time. It takes a lot of work! This is something that I often work with clients on in therapy. De-programming distorted thinking isn’t black and white as we all live with self-critical thoughts from time to time. But, if we are intentional about working on that internal voice we can improve our relationship with ourselves and our self-esteem. We can chip away at that negativity bias. And who knows what we can accomplish when we feel confident and more secure in ourselves?!

So how do you do this?

How to start developing a positive inner voice

One way that you can start to better your relationship with yourself is to take time to acknowledge your strengths (or things you do well) more often. What things do you do best? What would your closest friends, or loved ones, say are some of your standout qualities?

This feedback might help you better see your strengths thus chipping away at that negativity bias. By making time to practice focusing in our strengths and things we do well (for example, “I made time to get enough sleep last night. Good for me!” or “I’m glad I took time to listen to my friend and support them in dealing with their problems”) we change our internal focus from all the ways we are/do wrong to more often seeing the ways in which we do/are right!

It’s also important to acknowledge that we make choices that we feel are best for us as that time, with the information that we have. It’s not a bad choice in that moment per se, but sometimes we prioritize our needs in the immediate short term without considering the longer term. Those are survival skills. That’s one strength you have!

However, it’s important to recognize that in order to be our best selves we have to make decisions that are well-thought out and rooted in self-awareness. In order to do that we have to develop confidence within ourselves. Having a balanced internal voice is one way we help ourselves make those well-informed choices. Will you always be able to think from a place of strength rather than fear? No. But, feeling less anxious and less worried is a worthy goal to have, no? When we do so we make choices that are not rooted in fear of failure and anxiety, but more so rooted in self-knowledge and awareness of our deepest needs.

When we take time to acknowledge a personal strength everyday we set ourselves up for better, more fully-informed, healthier lives. And who doesn’t want that?

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