Many years ago (and by many I mean like, three) it became a tradition for spring and summer weekends to mean ALL THE RACES. This is the downside (and by downside I mean perk) of living right near Central Park where New York RoadRunners holds most of their races.

Not so many years ago, it became a tradition to eat at a diner near my mom’s apartment, which is also near the finish lines, and then go back to her apartment to avoid having to use a public bathroom. I then don’t want to move, and we end up sitting there for a few hours having conversations about everything and anything. This usually involves my husband and my mom having particularly dark “The world is going to shit” type conversations and Jor-El and I wishing we were somewhere happy and sunny, but I digress.

On one of these weekend mornings, the topic of how to help someone who’s going through a difficult time came up.

The debate was whether or not there’s a right way to offer help, or to just help overall. To save you a long, boring story of a conversation that I’m not even sure I can recap all the details of, the answer was no. My husband prefers to be left alone and manage grief and difficult emotions on his own. I would rather someone just do things they find to be helpful, and then allow me to yell at them if they’re wrong. I don’t usually want to talk about it, especially if it isn’t a “solvable” problem. I’m a real treat, I know. My mom wants to be checked in on, and often.

As you can see, everyone was different.

A few weeks later, the tragic suicides of Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain hit the news. It shocked the world. These people seemed to have everything. Fame, respect, wealth, in addition to being beloved by those around them. Social media began to weigh in on what we can do to make sure that our friends and family aren’t silently suffering. A lot of people started posting the numbers to suicide prevention hotlines, and reminding people that they are not alone. That they can ask for help if they need it.

All good, right? Apparently not – because the tone soon became “That’s not enough”.

You can’t just tell people to reach out, because many people can’t, or don’t want to, reach out. They want someone to just help, without them having to put in the effort when they barely have any more effort to give. A valid point – to an extent. 

Don’t get me wrong, it can be incredibly difficult to admit that you need help, let alone ask another person for it.

You’ll remember that I am the gem of a human being who doesn’t want to have to ask, but just wants someone to magically know what I need. It’s not just because I’m trying to win the title of “Most difficult person alive”, but rather because I often don’t know. My default when I become overwhelmed, sad, or just in a dark place is to have my brain shut off. I operate on autopilot, and I don’t want to have to think about what I need. I want someone else to do it for me.

But, you’ll also remember my husband. He’s the one who would hate if someone just started doing things for him when he was struggling. He doesn’t want extra attention, acknowledgement, or assistance. He wants to be given space. The reminder of “I am here for you” and then someone backing off is exactly what he wants when he’s in pain.

If you’re on either side of the equation, or even somewhere in the middle, you might not be able to fathom how someone could want something so different than what you would need in the same situation. But everyone’s different. Everyone copes differently, and the same person might even need different things depending on what’s going on at that particular point in time.

In other words, there is no right way to help.

So what do you do? What do you do if you do want to help? How on earth are you ever supposed to know for sure what’s going to make someone feel better or make someone feel even worse?

You can’t.

So just try. Try anything. Do what you can, when you can. If it doesn’t work, or it’s met with resistance, that’s okay. When you’re ready, try something else. If all you can do is let someone know that you’re there for them, then let someone know that you’re there for them. If you want to try bringing over food, then bring over food. If you want to give someone a hug, give someone a hug. Try whatever you can based on what you know about the person, and what you might want in that situation. If it’s wrong, that’s okay. You can’t know for sure what the perfect solution is, and often times there is no perfect solution.

There’s no right way to help – as long as you help. Imagine how much better the world would be if everyone just helped in their own way, however they felt they could at that time. If everyone’s helping, the chances are, someone’s going to be right.

You never know when it could be you.