The Five Love Languages aren’t new (the book by Gary Chapman was first published in 1995), but they have recently gained popularity as a common way to understand yourself and those around you. So many people get their version of an “Ah ha!” moment when they read about where they fit on the spectrum.
Most people use love languages to describe how you interact with a romantic partner, but honestly, they can be used for pretty much anyone you’re close to. They describe exactly what they say – the way you communicate love. How do you show someone you appreciate them? The book says that they usually follow a pattern, and can fit into one of five categories.
Receiving gifts
You might be asking yourself, “Who DOESN’T like gifts?”. Well, no one, if you put it that way. But for some of us, this is the primary way we show others how we feel. Are you the type of person who walks by your best friend’s favorite ice cream shop and picks one up for her whenever you visit? Do you always bring home your wife’s favorite bottle of wine? On the flip side, do you feel the most love when your brother remembered that sweater you wanted, and then bought it for you? If so, it sounds like gifts is your number one love language.
Quality time
If you’re someone who assesses the strength of relationships based on how much time you’re spending with another person, then quality time might be the way you show your love. Do you find it difficult to maintain long distance friendships, because “it’s just not the same?”. Are regular date nights really important to your marriage? You probably prioritize quality time.
Words of affirmation
Do you need to hear “I love you” on a regular basis to know it’s true? Most of us can appreciate a good compliment, but is it difficult for you to really believe how someone feels unless they explicitly say it? If you feel more comfortable writing a love letter, sending a sweet text, or telling someone how much you appreciate them in words, you fall under this category.
Acts of service
Did you get all the warm fuzzies when your boyfriend put gas in your car without asking? Is it just the BEST DAY EVER when your roommate cleans the entire house by himself? Do you most often show your appreciation for others by doing something that makes their life easier? Sounds like you’re an acts of service person. You prefer to show and/or receive love by doing a task for someone else.
Physical touch
If you’re a self proclaimed hugger, this one’s for you. In romantic relationships, it’s easy to confuse this one for sex, but it doesn’t have to be limited to bedroom behavior. If you appreciate it when your partner holds your hand while you walk to the store or you love snuggling on the couch, you probably fall into this category. The same could be true if you hug everyone you see, even if you just hung out yesterday.
If you’re reading this and thinking, “but I love ALL of those things!”, you’re not alone.
Most of us do appreciate some amount of everything on this list. The point of the love languages is to figure out which you do/want to get most often. I’ve found it’s super helpful to rank them on a scale. It’s not that you don’t love when people tell you that they love you, but it might not be as necessary as someone spending quality time with you on a regular basis. There might be a few that are equally important. Maybe you’re a gifts AND acts of service type of person. If you think back on your close relationships, how do you most often show them you care? Those are your love languages.
So why is it important to know where you fall?
I can’t tell you how often communication is at the heart of relationship difficulties. More often than not, two people are trying to say or accomplish the same thing, but they’re coming at it in different ways. Usually their partner, because it’s different than how they naturally communicate, doesn’t understand and thinks they don’t care. The love languages help to make it easier to understand where the other person is coming from, or (pun intended) to speak each other’s language.
If you’re a gifts person, you might feel hurt when your significant other doesn’t bring you home little surprises. You might assume they aren’t invested in the relationship. But maybe your partner is an acts of service person, and he does the dishes every night to make sure that you don’t have to. In that case, you ARE being shown love – but you’re missing it. At the very least, there’s no harm in adding an extra layer of understanding in relationships that are important to you.
If you want to take the quiz to discover your love language (or languages!), you can find it here.
Having communication struggles with your partner, family member, friend, etc.? Talk to us.
Author: Rachel
Rachel is a licensed therapist and co-founder of Viva Wellness. She gets most of her inspiration for the blog while on the run, and if you ever need to find her, she’s probably in Central Park. If she’s not running, you’ll find her planning the next time she’s going to eat, exploring all things wellness in NYC, or raising her stress level by watching her sports teams.
