Let’s stop pretending relationships aren’t hard.

I feel like the holiday season (congrats on surviving it, everyone!) is prime time for social media worthy photos of engagements, happy couples and families, and overall love and good vibes. As much as I love seeing people happy and sharing in someone else’s life milestones, I always wonder why we don’t show the other side of relationships, also known as the more realistic side.

Don’t get me wrong. I’ve had my share of magical moments with my husband, and have at least a few stories that we’ve told repeatedly and are always met with an “Awwww…” reaction. Those are definitely fun.

But that’s not every day – at all. It’s not even most days. On most days, things are just fine. There’s nothing magical about them. It’s just life, being lived side by side. It consists of conversations about what the other person’s schedule looks like the next day, what we’re having for dinner, and if you’re us (or maybe just me…), competitively playing along to that night’s episode of Wheel of Fortune. Sometimes marriage is boring. There’s a reason why that stereotype of the old married couple exists. In a good marriage, or relationship in general, there’s not a lot of drama. This makes for a lot less stress, but also a lot fewer stories to share with your friends over brunch. It also doesn’t make very good social media content.

On top of the mundane, which we definitely don’t share enough, there’s also the hard. We don’t share the hard at all. Not on Instagram, and sometimes not even with friends and family. Or at the very least, I feel like we seriously downplay it.

It makes sense. You don’t want to be that person – the one who goes to your best friend every time you and your partner have a fight to bad mouth them. That’s not cute, or respectful.

But it doesn’t always have to be about a massive, blow up argument.

Sometimes the day to day is really hard.

Listen. I love being married. My husband is one of the greatest people I’ve ever met, and I really believe he’s the best person I could possibly be spending my life with. But he’s also annoying and frustrating and infuriating. I can’t imagine why, since I’m just perfect in every way, but I’m sure he’d say the same thing about me. That part is just as real, and important to talk about, as all of our romantic moments.

There’s a huge societal norm that we want to find our “person”. More people buy into that than not, and for good reason. But it’s not always better than being single, and we need to be open about that. It was definitely easier when I could make basic life decisions without worrying about how it affects another person. It’s easier to get the sleep I need when I’m not trying to work around someone else’s noise. There are times I miss coming home and not having to answer to anyone. When I was living by myself, no one ate my Chinese food leftovers or my Exquisito Chocolate without my permission.

No one else’s bad moods, life events, work crises, or personal tragedies affected my life nearly as much as they do now.

One of my favorite shows ever, Mad About You, had a quote that I will never forget. Paul was talking to Jamie about their relationship and he says “What happens to you, happens to me”. That sounds like a beautiful sentiment to add to your wedding vows, but it’s also really scary and sometimes inconvenient in real life.

Those things might sound petty and small, but they also matter. They’re little stressors, and little stressors add up. There’s also the big things – like the conflicts that can’t be solved in one argument. Those ongoing issues that come up over and over and over again, and require a lot of patience with the other person as they grow and evolve. There are the things you have to accept in the name of love, even though you’ll always hate them. I stay with my husband in spite of the fact that he can be the most stubborn human alive, and I think it’s okay to be real about that.

Why do we need to share all of this? Why can’t we just keep things light and fun?

Because that’s not real life, and we need to be open about that. Just like we are getting so much better with talking about mental health and how pretty much everyone on the planet is anxious, we need to talk about how relationships aren’t all roses and sunshine. It helps people feel like they’re not alone when they look at Instagram and wonder why their relationship isn’t as picture perfect as everyone else’s seems to be. I’ve heard so many people say they feel like a failure because their relationship is messier than what they’re seeing other people show off. No one should be experiencing that.

So let’s continue to share how amazing our significant others are. Let’s post our Valentine’s Day flowers, engagement rings, and unforgettable romantic trips. But let’s also share the rest of it. Tell your friends about your frustrations, and that sometimes it’s exhausting to work on a relationship. Share with family how things aren’t picture perfect all the time, but you choose to move forward anyway.

Personally, I think that’s a much better depiction of love. It’s easy to stick it out when things are great. Who doesn’t want to stay around for that? But to admit that it’s a struggle, that it’s hard, and sometimes you just want to cry and give up – but you stay with the person anyway because that’s how much you can’t imagine your life without them? THAT’S love.

That’s commitment. That’s what you wait a lifetime for.