A while ago I was asked to write about my experience of life and how I experience joie de vivre (or “joy”). I found it difficult to talk about because I realize I didn’t necessarily have well thought out ideas about how one finds joy in everyday life. I just know that there are some things that just make me feel happy.
As I thought about it more and more , I was brought to the idea of the “stories” we tell ourselves and how that might be the key in breaking through old patterns and unlocking true joy.
One of the questions I often ask the clients that I work with is “what is the story here?” As you might imagine, this is often met with a confused stare (which I’m not surprised by). When I think about the idea of a “story” I think about the scripts that play in our heads and tell us who we are. In large part, our stories are defined by our previous experiences and our identities. We base the stories on our roles in life. A lot of times those same stories are heavily influenced by how others see us (What do others see me as? What’s the feedback I’ve gotten before?).
A big part of the therapy process is about making meaning. It’s about making meaning of feelings, thoughts, reactions that you have in response to events, relationships are other circumstances. When I talk to clients about stories I invite them to explore how they might see themselves as if they were a character in their own story. This can help create a bit of objectivity when trying to notice and decode the stories and patterns that play out in our daily lives.
An example of a “story”
For example, if you have always been someone that is good in school and you received a lot of reward for achievement, then there might be a lot of your story that’s wrapped up in the identity of being someone who is a high achiever or just does really well in school. If you look at that from a psychological perspective, if there are later instances in which you don’t do well…if you don’t achieve the things that you seek out to, then it could be devastating. You might experience a whole range of reactions. You might feel anything from sadness, frustration, anxiety and perhaps even depression. This is in large part because that perceived failure doesn’t fit with your own story of being a high-achiever. It doesn’t fit how you see yourself. That failure doesn’t fit how other people are SUPPOSED to see you.
A lot of times this is what causes a lot of adjustment issues. It’s hard to bounce back from that kind of emotional punch in the gut. People often just consider themselves a failure and feel like they can’t move forward form there. Their world, and sense of Self, is shattered. And sometimes, we need a bit of help bouncing back.
What I often ask of those clients is, “what if you had a new story?” What if it was time to shed the old story completely and write a new one? What if the previous story that you’ve been holding onto wasn’t even of your creation and you’ve just been executing out of fear and pressure? Maybe those achievements aren’t actually important to YOU at all. Maybe others are much more important and central to who you are!
Taking control of your life may often look like writing your own story.
So the next time that you experience a flood of negative emotions, or a lot self-critical thoughts ask yourself, “What is my story? Where do I fit in the story? And, is it time to change?”
Author: Jor-El
Jor-El is Co-founder of Viva Wellness and a foodie and film buff. He most often writes about mental health, relationships, food and mindfulness. When he’s not busy working, he typically can be found lounging or walking around NYC with his pup Nomi.
