Spoiler alert: it doesn’t mean you’re a terrible person.
When someone we love or care about is hurting, it can be difficult to continue to be a source of support. While we may want to continue to offer what we can to help them feel better, it can be tough to continuously provide support, and not only because we have a finite amount of energy. You might also be experiencing the effects of emotional contagion.
Essentially, you’re catching the feelings that you’re friend is experiencing.
While emotional contagion hasn’t quite hit mainstream, it’s something that researchers are studying more, especially as we live in the age of social media where information, and moods, spread quickly.
Emotional contagion, researchers think, is actually an adaptive skill. If we can understand and empathize with those closest to us we secure the bonds of attachment and keep the unit together and on the same page. Unfortunately, we may find that we absorb the others’ emotions as well – even before we actually know it. We may find ourselves picking up on subtle behavioral cues in the person and even mimicking those cues and behaviors ourselves subconsciously. In essence, we can “catch” their feelings!
If someone in our life is feeling depressed, or otherwise having a hard time, we may find ourselves quickly feeling similarly, especially if we’re close to that person (that’s the evolutionary bonding at work). We absorb so much intense emotion that we then need to protect ourselves (counter-contagion).
I was recently reading an article in Psychology Today that talked about the idea of emotional contagion and how it impacts our collective mental health. You should definitely read about the implications for the spread of violence AND sharing positivity (it’s not all bleak news!).
It got me thinking about conversations I’ve had with friends and clients about the tendency we have sometimes to distance ourselves from negative energy.
Emotional contagion means that we, without even noticing it, absorb the emotions of those around us (even if those emotions aren’t explicitly said). This might explain why you find yourself pulling back from the friend whose having a hard time despite you wanting to support them. Simply put, we don’t like feeling bad. We might even forego quality time with someone we care about, especially if we often leave their presence feeling drained (counter-contagion).
How do we work through emotional contagion?
My argument isn’t that we should just accept contagion (and counter-contagion) as is and forego compassion for others completely, but I think this natural principle means that we can do our own personal work by checking in with ourselves often so that we may address the issue at hand, provide active support when needed and keep moving forward in our connections more healthily.
If you find yourself always feeling down around someone, maybe it’s time to use that knowledge to check in with them and see how you might be able to offer support differently. Chances are acknowledging that you’ve noticed will communicate how much you care and that can go a long way for someone who’s battling with something internally. And of course, you paying more attention to your own feelings also offers you the opportunity to get your needs and desires met as well.
Author: Jor-El
Jor-El is Co-founder of Viva Wellness and a foodie and film buff. He most often writes about mental health, relationships, food and mindfulness. When he’s not busy working, he typically can be found lounging or walking around NYC with his pup Nomi.
