New year, new you! What about new year, new relationship?! While many of us are looking for ways to level up in the new year, it also might be a good time to consider what relationship resolutions need to take center stage.
Here are some ideas.
Make a Pact to Work on the Relationship Together
Long term relationships often fail when either partner runs out of gas or stops trying to make it work entirely. There can be good reasons for this, however if you desire to have your relationship continue to be healthy then making a promise to one another (and to yourselves) to make a concerted effort to improve the relationship is a foundational relationship resolution.
If you can come together in agreement on ways to work on the relationship, it will much easier to support one another in your efforts and get through the inevitable bumps in the road that generally throw relationships for a loop.
Having Better Sex & Intimacy – Whatever that Means to You
Having a healthy intimate relationship is a foundational part of any longterm relationship. Unfortunately, many couples like to work in this area with misguided information about 1) what intimacy should look like and 2) how you should be doing it.
The reality is that intimacy in your relationship is just that…intimacy in your relationship. There is no magic frequency of sex, for example, that means that you’ll have a happy relationship. Having a healthy sex life is really about navigating difference and accurately assessing compatibility. That is, do you and your partner agree on the type of sex and the frequency of sex that you’d like to be having. If so, then you’re all good! If not, there is plenty of work that can be done to help improve that aspect of your relationship.
Many couples also focus on the frequency of sex as a barometer of relationship health, but the experience and kind of sex you’re having is arguably much more important. That’s not to mention that many couples completely forgo intimacy in an effort to have more sex. Intimacy can include sex, but can also include other physical non-sexual touch and sharing of meaningful emotional experiences with one another, both of which help predict long term relationship success.
Self-Define Romance Too
There’s no one right way to romance your partner, contrary to what you might hear (or see). For every magazine article that tells you how to be a better lover in the bedroom there’s another one teaching you how to be more ‘romantic’. The tricky part is there is no one right way to do this.
Sure, romantic comedies are popular for a reason. So are Disney movies about princesses. Both those examples are entertainment and fantasy. They don’t often reflect what actually happens in real life (or what can happen for that matter). As such, one of the relationship resolutions that you might want to consider in the new year is acknowledging the messaging of ‘romance’ that you’re exposed to and work towards accepts your own values. This also means being open to what your partner actually considers romantic instead of just making assumptions. Some people love flowers and chocolate on Valentine’s Day, while others might consider tickets to a sports game for you and a friend pretty thoughtful and romantic. This year, take time to listen and thoughtful about what works best for your partner, rather than what works in the movies and TV.
Practice Setting Healthier Boundaries
If you have any presence online then you may have noticed that in the past couple of years there has been a lot more conversation about the necessity of healthy boundaries. There is a lot of misunderstanding of what that can look like in real life.
Boundaries, when it comes to relationships, are about protecting one’s self most often but they can also mean protecting the sanctity of your relationship from outside sources. Setting boundaries is about intentionally navigating how closely you want others’ influence on your lives. When it comes to maintaining a relationship that likely means being mindful about how others (like family members or friends) engage with you as a couple. In real life this might look like making a pact with your partner to have no phone calls in your shared bedroom or having a non-negotiable date night when others aren’t allowed to be invited. Boundaries could also look like not talking about the details of your sex life to others. Ultimately, it depends on what you and your partner are most comfortable with.
Having a healthy discussion on boundaries, and being proactive about them, can also help limit any miscommunication or confusion around whether or not certain behaviors are considered cheating.
Leave the Silent Treatment Behind
When you’re in the thick of resentment and really in your feelings, some people lash out while others completely shut down. While we all have our moments from time to time, relying on either isn’t wise for the wellbeing of your relationship. It’s simply not sustainable.
Shutting down, or giving someone the silent treatment, isn’t a good strategy as it can be manipulative and can be resentment over time. The last thing that you want is to continue to inadvertently engage in a practice that limits your long term relationship stability. If you often find yourself unable to articulate your thoughts to your partner and withholding information in an effort to punish them, then working through your tendency to give the silent treatment is a worthwhile goal for 2020.
Learn to Fight Fair
Being in a relationship also means that you’re going to experience conflict. Just by nature of having a different person with difference experiences and perspectives natural conflict is bound to happen. And, in and of itself, arguments are not negative sign in a relationship.
More so, fighting fairly is one of the best ways that you can improve your relationship with your partner. Learn how to handle an argument can make arguments less intense and lead you on a healthier path or problem solving and resolution in no time.
Ultimately, it’s up to you and your partner(s) to develop the relationship resolutions that work best for you. Hopefully, these will give you some ideas on how to have a healthier relationship in the new year.
Work on Making Better Apologies Too
By now you know that arguments are par for the course in relationships. So is less than stellar behavior. When you are close with someone, and spending much of your free time together, you will inevitably show some of your not-so-pleasant side. A large part of being in a healthy relationship is about acceptance of your partner’s faults. Unfortunately, this means sometimes dealing with their unruly behavior.
With that in mind, a helpful relationship resolution is to be accountable for your own ‘moments’. This also means learning, and practicing, to give better apologies. It’s hard work to admit when you’re wrong. Our egos can take a toll. But, apologizing is necessary to sustain your relationship.
When we apologize we communicate our own self-awareness. We also give our partner the message that we have the emotional intelligence to know when we’ve hurt them by our words or actions. While no one can always be on their best behavior, learning how to apologize is a foundational relationship skill that can be improved with practice.
Author: Jor-El
Jor-El is Co-founder of Viva Wellness and a foodie and film buff. He most often writes about mental health, relationships, food and mindfulness. When he’s not busy working, he typically can be found lounging or walking around NYC with his pup Nomi.
