Giving Your People the Benefit of the Doubt

Who here has had a loved one (friend, family member, significant other… it doesn’t matter who) do something that just INFURIATES you and you can’t possibly imagine how they could do whatever it is that they did? Everyone put your hand up. I mean, not really, but metaphorically. If you say you haven’t been in this position, I don’t believe you. We all have. It happens.

Regardless of how much you love someone, if you spend enough time with them, they are going to piss you off. Everyone has flaws or annoying qualities, and eventually you’re going to get to a point where that person you love is going to show theirs off and it’s going to really bother you.

That’s not the problem.

The problem, or source of long term conflict and frustration, comes in when you put motive, intent, or perspective onto what the other person did. Most actions are objectively fine, assuming no one’s doing anything egregious like kicking you in the face. They become not fine when we put our subjective viewpoint on them, whether it’s because that particular action (or words someone is saying) is a trigger for us, or we’re assuming what they mean by their action.

Here’s an example.

Your significant other forgets to ask you about that important work meeting you mentioned last week. You’re mad, hurt, and frustrated. Why? Maybe to some extent it’s on principle that the people in your life should take an interest in the important things in your life. But it’s also about what you feel that says about the relationship and about you. You might be thinking it means that the love of your life didn’t care enough to ask, or doesn’t want to know how that meeting went. Maybe you feel like they weren’t listening when you were talking. All of which can lead you to the feeling unloved, unappreciated, and well, basically like crap.

But who says any of that is true?

Sometimes it seems like so much common sense in your head that you can’t even possibly imagine how anyone else could think differently. I know. I get it. I’ve been there too. But until you share with someone how you feel and what’s going on for you, assume they don’t know. Seriously. Even when it seems so basic. Even when you can’t wrap your head around how said person could have a different perspective.

It’s giving your people the benefit of the doubt.

Whoever this person is to you, I assume you really like (if not love) them a whole lot. Why would they be trying to hurt you? Hopefully, they wouldn’t. So then doesn’t it make sense that it’s more of a misunderstanding and less of something they’re doing intentionally?

If you don’t tell them, assume they don’t know.

Once you do, then you can hold someone accountable and have a bigger conversation or take further action if nothing changes in the future. But until you have that conversation, do yourself and your relationships a favor, and give those you love the benefit of the doubt. Default to that no one you love would try to hurt you, especially if they were told how what they’re doing makes you feel. And in return, ask them to do the same for you.