When Self Care Goes Too Far (part 2!)

Welcome to the second edition of “too much self care”! This might become a series, but I promise I’ll think of a better name. If you missed the first one, you can catch up here.

This might seem very anti-wellness and anti-mental health of me, since everyone in the wellness space these days is constantly talking about taking care of yourself. Don’t get me wrong, I’m ALL about that. Self love for everyone. BUT – as I talked about here, we tend to be a society of extremes and self care isn’t immune to that. There are definitely times when we take it entirely too far to the opposite end of the spectrum.

I’m seeing a lot of memes these days that are all about removing negative relationships from your life. I’m completely in favor of that message. I come from a place where I never internalized the mentality with family that goes something like “this person is absolutely toxic and makes me feel awful about myself but they’re my uncle/aunt/father/brother/etc. so I have to deal with it because that’s what you do”. That’s not my jam at all. So I get it. I’ve been preaching that whole “PLEASE CHOOSE GOOD PEOPLE FOR YOUR LIFE REGARDLESS OF WHO THEY ARE TO YOU” for years. Thank you, rest of the world, for finally agreeing with me. Kidding. A little.

But, in the spirit of not going too far, there’s another side to that. It’s called conflict resolution.

Most of us are conflict averse, to some extent. Some people are more comfortable with it than others, but I don’t know many (any) people who are like “YES. Please let me have difficult conversations with my loved ones as often as possible I just love it”. No one looks forward to any type of confrontation. But it’s necessary and 100% unavoidable. Sorry if you’ve been in denial, but if you are close to someone for long enough, you’re either going to have a disagreement or you’re going to be in a place where you’re trying to bury your feelings and pretend that you’re not upset. The latter can lead to a lot of resentment and damage to the relationship, so I don’t recommend that. Hence, a confrontation at SOME point is going to happen.

Unless you’re too quick to say it “doesn’t serve you”.

Sometimes relationships hit a period of time when it’s especially difficult. If I think of the closest people in my life, there have been days, or even weeks, where it’s just a struggle to maintain the relationship for whatever reason. That doesn’t mean that it isn’t worth it to put in the work.

If you bailed on every relationship that hit a period of turbulence, you would never have one that lasts.

There should be no one in your life who intentionally, and frequently, puts you down or makes you feel less than. If you have one of those people, I’d absolutely say work towards removing them from your life (or at least limiting their access to you). Sometimes self care is having the strength, and loving yourself enough, to know you deserve better than someone who isn’t treating you like the amazing human that you are.

But sometimes self care is being around someone who makes the work worth it. It’s pushing through the difficult parts of a relationship to get to the other side, because that other side is amazing. Self care is also being around those people who know and love you enough to call you on your shit, which can absolutely feel uncomfortable, but is what helps you grow as a person.

So the next time you’re looking at one of those memes and feeling inspired and like it relates to a relationship conflict you’re experiencing, ask yourself this question: is that person really toxic and bad for you, or are you just avoiding conflict and a difficult chat?

If it’s the latter, it is absolutely self care to maintain that relationship. It’s probably so worth it, and that’s exactly what you deserve – a relationship that’s worth all of the hard stuff.